[ vie grabs at him and jaejin lets him pull him close as he always does, steadying himself with one hand on the edge of the counter near his leg. all his reaction does is reaffirm his need to keep him safe, trying not to read too much into it for fear of what he might find without any confirmation from vie himself. ]
No, he has spoken to me. I told you I would protect you and I'm going to do that, Vie. [ carefully, he lifts his other hand to touch vie's wrist, trying to make eye contact with him because he needs him to know how serious he is about this. ] I'm going to do what I need to do.
[ it's such fragile ground, this topic. he's thankful he can keep his voice firm, but still gentle, pushing every bit of care he can into it. ]
[ he's confused, but it's not worse than the squeeze around his heart, how adamant jaejin is about keeping him safe. protecting him. vie should be the one doing that, if anything. yet, he's stuck in this perpetual loop he's created for himself, and he doesn't like the idea of jaejin sacrificing something for his sake, not after what he'd done to him. his fingers curl a little deeper into jaejin's shirt, absolutely refusing to let him go. ]
Jaejin – [ no, he can't argue with him over this. he knows when he's made his mind up, at least. ] Then... let me do something. Let me help you, too.
[ because if he doesn't, there's no guarantee that either of them will make it out of this intact, and vie loves him too much not to try. his voice is much softer than he means it to be. ]
I know more about being an Amber than anyone on the outside. That has to count for something.
[ no matter how much jaejin would rather keep vie entirely separate from this, there's really no way to do that, especially not when he's right. there isn't anyone he's on decent enough terms with who is close to the amber house, not like vie is. he can spend as long as he likes collecting miscellaneous pieces of information and pictures, but it's all useless. he brushes his fingers against the back of one of vie's hands and nods. ]
Okay. [ he wants to believe they're in this together, or at least wants to try. there's so much space between them now, even as close as they are physically. he's thankful vie doesn't fight him on it though, regardless of what that means. it's such a small thing, but he needs it. ] I just need a way to get close to him. I haven't been able to find anything that might give me the opportunity to do that yet.
[ he doesn't think he needs to expand on that. whatever happens, he wants sunni's father dead. it doesn't matter how. ]
[ jaejin doesn't need to spell out exactly what he means. it had been his original goal so long ago, when he'd first planted himself in the amber house, but for several reasons, he'd pushed it aside as if the opportunity would eventually show itself. it hadn't, of course, and now, he's in a position that had nearly cost him his relationship with jaejin—and still might.
vie loosens his hold on him, ignoring the discomfort in his ribs as he gently caresses the curve of his cheek and sweeps his fingers up to tuck some of his hair behind an ear. he looks so sweet like this, a moment he wants to memorize and never forget. if and when he dies doesn't matter; seeing jaejin before that is the only thing he cares about. and he's utterly careful about the way he leans forward to brush their noses together, soaking in his strength and trying not to shiver as he speaks. ]
You are so beautiful. [ it's a breath of a whisper, swallowing to give himself strength to say it. ] He would like that, you know. If you wanted to get close to him, you wouldn't need much more than that. And what you can do – he would like that even more.
[ the suggestion terrifies him, but only because it's true. ]
[ there's no stopping the way his expression falls, even if he focuses on how good the proximity feels. what vie says does more than enough and he has to close his eyes for one beat, two, to breathe through the tension that creeps into him because of it. does it matter if it works? he's already proven sunni right in so many ways. if he can do this and do it well enough, he can kill chul and vie can be free of this. he can make whatever decisions he wants to. he could help vie like he helped him, in what feels like a lifetime ago.
it's supposed to feel good being this close to vie, but it doesn't. again, he wishes it did. it just hurts, though. taking a breath, he gives a slight nod, opening his eyes to meet vie's and giving his wrist a squeeze before he attempts to pull away from him. ]
Then I just need a way in and I can take care of it from there. I know it won't be as simple as that, but it will still be worth it.
[ how many times has he promised vie he'll keep him safe only to fall short? he won't let himself, not this time. ]
[ he wants to hold onto him, and it hurts when he realizes he can't. jaejin pulls away, and vie lets him, unsure what to do with his hands once they're not touching. he rests them on his thighs and then tucks them under his arms like it will help keep him from falling apart. it's probably for the best they don't talk about this when they're so close, but it pains him nonetheless, turning his head away to look across the opposite side of the apartment. it feels empty the same way he feels empty. ]
I could – [ vie swallows again, trying to clear his throat. he doesn't want to do this. he doesn't want jaejin anywhere near chul. ] I could introduce you. Or arrange it, I suppose. Sometimes he likes to... well, that part doesn't matter. But at least you wouldn't be alone in the room with him.
[ as if that makes any of this better. he tries to look back at him. ]
You don't have to do this for me. I could do it myself. [ if he wasn't a coward. ]
[ with another breath, jaejin tries to go back to cooking their meal, suddenly unconcerned with whether or not it burns and he has to throw it out. but he still wants to make sure it's edible because vie has to eat and he isn't sure if he has yet. how surreal that worry feels in the scope of what they're discussing isn't lost on him. turning off the burner, he looks at vie again, once more taking in his body language.
when he can't help it anymore, he grazes a soft touch to his elbow, fleeting. the last time he kissed him feels like too long ago, but that's a luxury now, isn't it? ]
I promised I'd protect you. I'll do whatever I need to. [ it's that simple. he promised him and he loves him more than he thought he could ever be capable of loving another person. even if he loses him at the end of this, at least he'll have kept his promise. it isn't conditional sort of love. ] Would it make it easier or harder if I was alone with him? It doesn't matter if it's a clean kill as long as it does the job.
[ it takes a lot of restraint not to lean into the way he touches him. his elbow, of all things. jaejin's fingers graze his damned elbow, and there's a desperation that fills him, muted by the way jaejin continues the conversation like nothing else is more important than that. maybe it isn't. maybe he's just too lost in his own head to see what he really needs to focus on, and he's a little frustrated with himself that it's come to this. their relationship feels scattered and broken, and he has to try to do something about it. ]
That's not what I'm worried about, [ he murmurs, almost too quiet, and then, he shifts a bit on the counter to angle himself towards jaejin. ] I don't know if killing him is going to make any of this better, but doing it alone is too risky. At least, if I'm there, I could distract him. I'm not – [ the frustration is there again, curling tight around his throat. ] I'm not completely helpless. I want him dead just as much as you do. I promise I do. But if something happens to you, I could never forgive myself.
[ vie reaches out then, gripping lightly at his forearm. ]
My feelings for you haven't changed. You are not some person in my life who's disposable. I need you.
[ it makes him pause, the mention that killing chul might not make anything better. he's been so single-mindedly focused on it that he'd almost convinced himself that one man's death would solve everything. he needed it, that kind of hype fixation to pull him by the throat through every favor he promised for every useless piece of intel. it doesn't stop him from watching vie, nor does it stop him from letting him keep his grip on him. ]
I've never seen you as helpless, Vie. You're still the strongest person I've ever met. Sometimes you have to let yourself be protected, though. It doesn't make you weak. We can do it together if it's smarter.
[ the rest of it is a lot harder to digest. he's been functioning on the idea that whatever that's left between them has been filed down to something sharp, something easier to cut themselves on. he settles his hand over vie's and sighs, a broken thing even as he tries to suppress it. ]
My feelings for you haven't changed either. You'll always have my heart.
[ maybe all of this isn't only about chul. maybe it's not even about the amber house or the hold it has on both of them. it's simply about them, and if they continue moving at such a contradictory pace, they're never going to meet up again like they used to. or had they always? vie thinks on it and decides that being passive isn't getting him anywhere, and even though it might hurt, he needs to reinforce it in both of them somehow.
so, carefully, he lets go of jaejin and slides off of the counter, keeping as much pain out of his face as he possibly can, and once he's standing, he presses back into jaejin's personal space, shoving down the tightness that's already starting to form in his throat. it's like that moment when he'd come home to him to tell him that he couldn't leave. except it's worse than that, taking jaejin's hand and letting his thumb rub over his knuckles as he tries to parse the things he wants to say. he doesn't care about chul or yves or anything else.
all he cares about is the one person in front of him who can't even really look at him now. ]
Then why does it feel like you're so far away from me? I don't know how to reach you.
[ would it make it better if he didn't ask and let jaejin figure it out on his own? would it keep them from from falling apart even more than they already had? ]
[ to say jaejin isn't prepared for this conversation would be a vast understatement. his gaze drops to their hands, watching vie's thumb skip over each bump of his knuckle, focusing on the warmth of his hold instead of the urge to curl in on himself and direct their attention back to chul and what needs to be done. his heart hurts, sharp in a way it doesn't when he shoves it to the background.
he knows everything that brought them here, knows he's responsible for making vie feel like he's out of reach when what he really needs is support, not space. it's a hard balance, wanting to be as honest with him as possible and not wanting to upset him further. he doesn't want to think of their fight, but it's even harder not to. ]
I'm still here. [ it's the truth in a few ways, gentle. after a breath, he decides he wants to try being upfront again, and this time his tone is unsure. ] I just want to be prepared when you leave.
[ his fingers curl around jaejin's, perhaps too tight. ]
What do you mean? I'm not going anywhere.
[ the confusion is a little too prominent in the way he looks at him, trying to piece together what he might mean by it. if he ever left, when he did, it wouldn't be without jaejin. that had been their original plan, hadn't it? it had been the only thing keeping him going since he'd agreed to all of this, the potential of a future without anyone but jaejin in his life. none of that had changed; at least, to vie, none of that had changed. it had been his only wish since the very beginning, since he'd told jaejin that he loved him. ]
Why would you think I would ever leave without you?
[ but even as he asks, he knows. it's difficult not to think about it now, the way jaejin had told him before: he had chosen someone else. not purposely. not even willingly, really. but none of it makes any sense anymore, and vie can't continue to blame this situation on a decision he had no time to think over. ]
[ there's visible hesitation on jaejin's part. he isn't sure how to say what he's already said, not when he's upset vie with it before. he stays quiet, watching their hands and letting his fingers curl against vie's in return. it feels like all of him aches for when things seemed simpler, when they could smile and share sweeter moments together, enjoy each other. he doesn't want to think of when they'd discussed their honeymoon, of all things. if he lets himself get caught up in it, he won't be prepared when it happens.
he won't anyway, of course. vie is the only thing, person or otherwise, he's let himself want and believe he can have in over a decade. ]
Not physically, Vie. [ even with his distinct lack of experience in relationships, he knows that checking out mentally is worse than the act of walking out of a door. he clears his throat and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. ] But I want to do this for you first.
[ not physically? he frowns a little and thinks over the last couple of days, tries to piece together what he might mean by that. it's true he hadn't entirely been present since his meeting with chul, but he had tried to make more time for jaejin. after all, it's not as if he has anything else to do besides loiter around his apartment and wait to be summoned—like some on-call whore. he could communicate better, he knows, and he's been making an effort now. but perhaps it's too late now that jaejin's made up his mind about something vie cannot even fathom.
the weight of jaejin's hand atop his only brings so much comfort now. ]
I don't understand. [ his expression dips, and when he looks up, he keeps his gaze directed at jaejin. ] I know I haven't been as focused as usual the last couple of days, but I don't know what you mean. You don't owe me anything, Jaejin. I just – [ vie's lips thin. ] I'm not sure what you want me to do when it feels like we're living two different lives in the same room.
I know I don't owe you anything. It isn't about that. [ this time it's quick to leave him and he heaves a sigh, frustrated but only at himself. the temptation to close off is there, to shake his head, apologize, and say he doesn't know what he means either. it would be easy to hurt both of them that way, quick and simple. but in the quiet of the kitchen, their meal cooling in the pan on the stove, he knows he doesn't want to hurt vie that way. ]
I just want you to be able to be happy one day. I know it's hard to imagine right now, but you don't have to do anything. You don't owe me anything either. [ it's uncomfortable and he knows it, the way he keeps tiptoeing around what he really needs to say instead of what's safer. he looks towards the stove then, away from their hands, giving himself an opportunity to situate his thoughts. ] I've just been thinking about the things we discussed the other night.
[ their fight, he means. he doesn't think he's the only one. if he is, that might be a reason to be grateful more than anything else. ]
[ as soon as jaejin says it, he knows it isn't true. he owes him so much that he's lost count of exactly what, and if vie tried to bring it up, it wouldn't gain much traction. especially not with the way jaejin has been carefully dodging his questions and trying to turn it back around towards him, as if he would ever want to willingly discuss chul and this situation he's gotten himself into. but there's something else more important than that staring at him, and slowly, carefully, he pulls his hand free so he can use it to lean back against the counter.
once again, it hurts. a raw wound pulled open that's never going to heal. ]
Part of what? [ there's a slight edge to his words. ] Part of being with me? Because you believe you have to kill someone to make me happy? Or is it because you think I want more than being with you? [ he needs clarification, needs to stop feeling confused with all of these half-answers. ] I know... I know I did the wrong thing. I know I made a mistake by not leaving with you, but it doesn't mean I want everything to stop being the way it was.
[ he reaches for jaejin then, taking his hand once more and drawing himself close enough that he can flatten it against his chest. ]
Even if you think the worst of me, I'm still yours. I will only ever be yours.
[ when vie pulls his hand back, jaejin almost steps back to put more space between them. he doesn't know what this feeling building in his chest is, so tight and uncomfortable, but he knows that it won't even matter once this escalates between them again. it feels like it might the more he listens to vie, frustrated and understandably so. he isn't making any of this easy for vie, too gun-shy and easily locked up.
but vie has the wrong idea and he can't just let him believe there's something wrong with him, not like this. ]
I don't think killing someone will make you happy and you didn't do the wrong thing, Vie. You wanted to protect him. It was the right choice. If we had left without saying anything to anyone, don't you think he might have gotten hurt or worse? You would have never forgiven yourself then either. There's no right answer. [ at least he's looking at vie again, lips pressed together for a moment. ] I want Sunni's father dead for touching you and for taking your choices away.
[ with a loose shrug of his shoulders, he lets out a breath. ]
You keep Yves safe and I'll keep you safe. Let me do this.
[ so that's it? it's one or the other, and that's all vie is going to have? the annoyance is so clearly written in his body language that he lets go of jaejin's hand. ]
No, Jaejin. I never thought that. Not once, since I started seeing you, did I ever think of Yves or what might have happened to him. I wasn't thinking about him when I held you and told you to pack, to leave with me. Even now, I'm still not thinking about him. [ because he knows what yves will say. he knows exactly what he'll do, and vie only holds out on the smallest hope that he didn't ruin everything for nothing. ] I won't stop you from doing this if it's what you truly want, but I still have some choice.
[ he could choose to never answer chul's requests again. he could take jaejin by the hand and drag him out the door, lead them both somewhere else far from this city and away from the mess of the amber house. he could do a lot of things, but he's so terrified of shattering everything as it tilts on a ledge that he doesn't move, doesn't breathe. doesn't dare to even say anything—not for several long moments, at least. ]
I love you. [ it's tinged with sorrow, with longing. ] And I will do anything I have to until you believe that.
[ the more jaejin talks, the more he feels like he's burying himself alive. he doesn't know what to do with any of this. they keep missing each other, not by a sliver but a mile, and it's his fault. with vie having pulled back, he wants to reach for him again, to maintain some sort of contact because he thinks this might really be it if he doesn't. instead, when he does reach for vie, it falls short as another breeze of a touch to his elbow.
for the first time, it's as if reality has set in, the pessimism in him eating away at the little hope he's held tight to since vie forgot him. ]
I know you love me, Vie. You don't have to prove anything. I love you too. I always will. [ he just doesn't know if it's enough. when chul is dead, will it solve anything? will vie actually be free, or will it put him in a much worse position? ] I feel like I've been dreaming ever since we met, but this is the first time I've been afraid of waking up. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I keep thinking of Yves and Sunni, especially if you're not.
[ he keeps trying to juggle all of it instead of holding tight and protecting what's truly important. ]
I think I'm a coward. I want to kill Chul for even thinking he could get within arm's reach of you, but at the same time I want to be okay with losing you to someone else and I'm not.
[ he doesn't know when it finally clicks, maybe somewhere between jaejin saying he loves him and mentioning yves, but it sinks in like a weight that steals his breath. it had been there before, twisted up in the intensity of their argument, and after a while, vie hadn't given it anymore thought. not because he didn't see the merit in it; he'd just never really believed that jaejin could ever think he'd want to be with someone else or leave him for another person. his own actions had dictated that well enough though, almost too well, and the guilt that climbs up into his throat to strangle him silent is nearly too much to comprehend.
rather than run, vie tries to hold his ground. he eases forward, all thought of anything else gone as he settles his hands on jaejin's shoulders. the contact helps—if only a little. ]
Look at me. [ he adds a soft please afterwards, tipping his head to meet his eyes. ] This is exactly what I mean by proving how I feel, Jaejin. I never wanted you to feel like that, and you do because I didn't keep my promise and leave with you. I thought – [ vie closes his eyes for a moment, searching for the words. ] When I told you that I loved you for the first time, I really believed I could finally be free of everything else. I didn't owe Yves for betraying him. All I had to do was leave, and I... there's no excuse for the choice I made – I realize that. But it's not because I love him or because I want to be with him.
[ what else is he trying to say? he's so lost in wanting to hold onto jaejin that he's struggling. ]
I'm afraid, too. I need this to be over so that I know we can make it. So I don't have to keep feeling as if you are already gone when you are right here in front of me.
[ it's more difficult than jaejin thought it might be, letting vie rein him in, but he still looks at him when he requests it and listens. vie is beautiful in a lot of ways, one of them being his fierce need to protect the things and people he cares about. it still hurts, vie having to tell him something he thinks he should know, but somehow doesn't.
jaejin has never doubted the fact vie loves him or just how much he does, he knows all of that in his heart. he knows it as well as he does the lines on his own palm or the birds that nest in the tree outside of his apartment. he only knows from experience that sometimes love isn't enough. but when he lets out a breath, focusing on the warmth of vie's hands on his shoulders, he still knows he needed to hear that regardless.
it all seems so slippery now, but he wants to believe they can get through this together.
reaching for vie, he brushes his fingers against the rise of his cheek, gently moving the wisps of his hair from his face. ]
I want you to be free of all of this and I want this to be over too. [ it feels as if he's only stating the obvious and he sighs again, quiet for just a beat. ] I'm sorry I misunderstood and didn't try to talk with you about it again. I should have. Instead, I threw myself into trying to fix it by myself and didn't even gain any ground.
[ it's a teasing touch, but vie lets his eyes fall shut nonetheless, focusing on the fading heat of jaejin's fingertips and the cadence of his voice. they're the only familiar things to him right now, wanting to hold onto them so he doesn't get lost in the what-ifs of it all. how incredibly easy it would be to give it up to chul and the unyielding power of the amber house, but he's come too far to let it break him. he needs to be strong for jaejin too, peering at him as one of his hands slips to his chest to feel his heartbeat.
he can never get enough of this, but there's still so much he has to prove. ]
It just means we have to work on it, [ vie murmurs quietly, alarmed by how quickly emotion wells up in his throat. how close had he come to losing him? how close is he still? ] You can always talk to me about anything. I would never think less of you for it or ignore you. [ and with that comes a quiet sigh. ] We can do this.
[ it's all vie has left to believe in, and he repeats it quietly, his fingers curling slightly in the fabric of jaejin's shirt. ]
I'm not going to him again. I can arrange things the way you want them, but the only person's hands I ever want to feel on me are yours. [ then, reasoning: ] I should talk to Sunni, though. It might be good to have him on our side.
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No, he has spoken to me. I told you I would protect you and I'm going to do that, Vie. [ carefully, he lifts his other hand to touch vie's wrist, trying to make eye contact with him because he needs him to know how serious he is about this. ] I'm going to do what I need to do.
[ it's such fragile ground, this topic. he's thankful he can keep his voice firm, but still gentle, pushing every bit of care he can into it. ]
I'm not asking your permission this time.
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Jaejin – [ no, he can't argue with him over this. he knows when he's made his mind up, at least. ] Then... let me do something. Let me help you, too.
[ because if he doesn't, there's no guarantee that either of them will make it out of this intact, and vie loves him too much not to try. his voice is much softer than he means it to be. ]
I know more about being an Amber than anyone on the outside. That has to count for something.
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Okay. [ he wants to believe they're in this together, or at least wants to try. there's so much space between them now, even as close as they are physically. he's thankful vie doesn't fight him on it though, regardless of what that means. it's such a small thing, but he needs it. ] I just need a way to get close to him. I haven't been able to find anything that might give me the opportunity to do that yet.
[ he doesn't think he needs to expand on that. whatever happens, he wants sunni's father dead. it doesn't matter how. ]
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vie loosens his hold on him, ignoring the discomfort in his ribs as he gently caresses the curve of his cheek and sweeps his fingers up to tuck some of his hair behind an ear. he looks so sweet like this, a moment he wants to memorize and never forget. if and when he dies doesn't matter; seeing jaejin before that is the only thing he cares about. and he's utterly careful about the way he leans forward to brush their noses together, soaking in his strength and trying not to shiver as he speaks. ]
You are so beautiful. [ it's a breath of a whisper, swallowing to give himself strength to say it. ] He would like that, you know. If you wanted to get close to him, you wouldn't need much more than that. And what you can do – he would like that even more.
[ the suggestion terrifies him, but only because it's true. ]
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it's supposed to feel good being this close to vie, but it doesn't. again, he wishes it did. it just hurts, though. taking a breath, he gives a slight nod, opening his eyes to meet vie's and giving his wrist a squeeze before he attempts to pull away from him. ]
Then I just need a way in and I can take care of it from there. I know it won't be as simple as that, but it will still be worth it.
[ how many times has he promised vie he'll keep him safe only to fall short? he won't let himself, not this time. ]
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I could – [ vie swallows again, trying to clear his throat. he doesn't want to do this. he doesn't want jaejin anywhere near chul. ] I could introduce you. Or arrange it, I suppose. Sometimes he likes to... well, that part doesn't matter. But at least you wouldn't be alone in the room with him.
[ as if that makes any of this better. he tries to look back at him. ]
You don't have to do this for me. I could do it myself. [ if he wasn't a coward. ]
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when he can't help it anymore, he grazes a soft touch to his elbow, fleeting. the last time he kissed him feels like too long ago, but that's a luxury now, isn't it? ]
I promised I'd protect you. I'll do whatever I need to. [ it's that simple. he promised him and he loves him more than he thought he could ever be capable of loving another person. even if he loses him at the end of this, at least he'll have kept his promise. it isn't conditional sort of love. ] Would it make it easier or harder if I was alone with him? It doesn't matter if it's a clean kill as long as it does the job.
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That's not what I'm worried about, [ he murmurs, almost too quiet, and then, he shifts a bit on the counter to angle himself towards jaejin. ] I don't know if killing him is going to make any of this better, but doing it alone is too risky. At least, if I'm there, I could distract him. I'm not – [ the frustration is there again, curling tight around his throat. ] I'm not completely helpless. I want him dead just as much as you do. I promise I do. But if something happens to you, I could never forgive myself.
[ vie reaches out then, gripping lightly at his forearm. ]
My feelings for you haven't changed. You are not some person in my life who's disposable. I need you.
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I've never seen you as helpless, Vie. You're still the strongest person I've ever met. Sometimes you have to let yourself be protected, though. It doesn't make you weak. We can do it together if it's smarter.
[ the rest of it is a lot harder to digest. he's been functioning on the idea that whatever that's left between them has been filed down to something sharp, something easier to cut themselves on. he settles his hand over vie's and sighs, a broken thing even as he tries to suppress it. ]
My feelings for you haven't changed either. You'll always have my heart.
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so, carefully, he lets go of jaejin and slides off of the counter, keeping as much pain out of his face as he possibly can, and once he's standing, he presses back into jaejin's personal space, shoving down the tightness that's already starting to form in his throat. it's like that moment when he'd come home to him to tell him that he couldn't leave. except it's worse than that, taking jaejin's hand and letting his thumb rub over his knuckles as he tries to parse the things he wants to say. he doesn't care about chul or yves or anything else.
all he cares about is the one person in front of him who can't even really look at him now. ]
Then why does it feel like you're so far away from me? I don't know how to reach you.
[ would it make it better if he didn't ask and let jaejin figure it out on his own? would it keep them from from falling apart even more than they already had? ]
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he knows everything that brought them here, knows he's responsible for making vie feel like he's out of reach when what he really needs is support, not space. it's a hard balance, wanting to be as honest with him as possible and not wanting to upset him further. he doesn't want to think of their fight, but it's even harder not to. ]
I'm still here. [ it's the truth in a few ways, gentle. after a breath, he decides he wants to try being upfront again, and this time his tone is unsure. ] I just want to be prepared when you leave.
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What do you mean? I'm not going anywhere.
[ the confusion is a little too prominent in the way he looks at him, trying to piece together what he might mean by it. if he ever left, when he did, it wouldn't be without jaejin. that had been their original plan, hadn't it? it had been the only thing keeping him going since he'd agreed to all of this, the potential of a future without anyone but jaejin in his life. none of that had changed; at least, to vie, none of that had changed. it had been his only wish since the very beginning, since he'd told jaejin that he loved him. ]
Why would you think I would ever leave without you?
[ but even as he asks, he knows. it's difficult not to think about it now, the way jaejin had told him before: he had chosen someone else. not purposely. not even willingly, really. but none of it makes any sense anymore, and vie can't continue to blame this situation on a decision he had no time to think over. ]
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he won't anyway, of course. vie is the only thing, person or otherwise, he's let himself want and believe he can have in over a decade. ]
Not physically, Vie. [ even with his distinct lack of experience in relationships, he knows that checking out mentally is worse than the act of walking out of a door. he clears his throat and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. ] But I want to do this for you first.
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the weight of jaejin's hand atop his only brings so much comfort now. ]
I don't understand. [ his expression dips, and when he looks up, he keeps his gaze directed at jaejin. ] I know I haven't been as focused as usual the last couple of days, but I don't know what you mean. You don't owe me anything, Jaejin. I just – [ vie's lips thin. ] I'm not sure what you want me to do when it feels like we're living two different lives in the same room.
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I just want you to be able to be happy one day. I know it's hard to imagine right now, but you don't have to do anything. You don't owe me anything either. [ it's uncomfortable and he knows it, the way he keeps tiptoeing around what he really needs to say instead of what's safer. he looks towards the stove then, away from their hands, giving himself an opportunity to situate his thoughts. ] I've just been thinking about the things we discussed the other night.
[ their fight, he means. he doesn't think he's the only one. if he is, that might be a reason to be grateful more than anything else. ]
I'm still not sure I'm part of this.
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once again, it hurts. a raw wound pulled open that's never going to heal. ]
Part of what? [ there's a slight edge to his words. ] Part of being with me? Because you believe you have to kill someone to make me happy? Or is it because you think I want more than being with you? [ he needs clarification, needs to stop feeling confused with all of these half-answers. ] I know... I know I did the wrong thing. I know I made a mistake by not leaving with you, but it doesn't mean I want everything to stop being the way it was.
[ he reaches for jaejin then, taking his hand once more and drawing himself close enough that he can flatten it against his chest. ]
Even if you think the worst of me, I'm still yours. I will only ever be yours.
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but vie has the wrong idea and he can't just let him believe there's something wrong with him, not like this. ]
I don't think killing someone will make you happy and you didn't do the wrong thing, Vie. You wanted to protect him. It was the right choice. If we had left without saying anything to anyone, don't you think he might have gotten hurt or worse? You would have never forgiven yourself then either. There's no right answer. [ at least he's looking at vie again, lips pressed together for a moment. ] I want Sunni's father dead for touching you and for taking your choices away.
[ with a loose shrug of his shoulders, he lets out a breath. ]
You keep Yves safe and I'll keep you safe. Let me do this.
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No, Jaejin. I never thought that. Not once, since I started seeing you, did I ever think of Yves or what might have happened to him. I wasn't thinking about him when I held you and told you to pack, to leave with me. Even now, I'm still not thinking about him. [ because he knows what yves will say. he knows exactly what he'll do, and vie only holds out on the smallest hope that he didn't ruin everything for nothing. ] I won't stop you from doing this if it's what you truly want, but I still have some choice.
[ he could choose to never answer chul's requests again. he could take jaejin by the hand and drag him out the door, lead them both somewhere else far from this city and away from the mess of the amber house. he could do a lot of things, but he's so terrified of shattering everything as it tilts on a ledge that he doesn't move, doesn't breathe. doesn't dare to even say anything—not for several long moments, at least. ]
I love you. [ it's tinged with sorrow, with longing. ] And I will do anything I have to until you believe that.
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for the first time, it's as if reality has set in, the pessimism in him eating away at the little hope he's held tight to since vie forgot him. ]
I know you love me, Vie. You don't have to prove anything. I love you too. I always will. [ he just doesn't know if it's enough. when chul is dead, will it solve anything? will vie actually be free, or will it put him in a much worse position? ] I feel like I've been dreaming ever since we met, but this is the first time I've been afraid of waking up. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I keep thinking of Yves and Sunni, especially if you're not.
[ he keeps trying to juggle all of it instead of holding tight and protecting what's truly important. ]
I think I'm a coward. I want to kill Chul for even thinking he could get within arm's reach of you, but at the same time I want to be okay with losing you to someone else and I'm not.
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rather than run, vie tries to hold his ground. he eases forward, all thought of anything else gone as he settles his hands on jaejin's shoulders. the contact helps—if only a little. ]
Look at me. [ he adds a soft please afterwards, tipping his head to meet his eyes. ] This is exactly what I mean by proving how I feel, Jaejin. I never wanted you to feel like that, and you do because I didn't keep my promise and leave with you. I thought – [ vie closes his eyes for a moment, searching for the words. ] When I told you that I loved you for the first time, I really believed I could finally be free of everything else. I didn't owe Yves for betraying him. All I had to do was leave, and I... there's no excuse for the choice I made – I realize that. But it's not because I love him or because I want to be with him.
[ what else is he trying to say? he's so lost in wanting to hold onto jaejin that he's struggling. ]
I'm afraid, too. I need this to be over so that I know we can make it. So I don't have to keep feeling as if you are already gone when you are right here in front of me.
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jaejin has never doubted the fact vie loves him or just how much he does, he knows all of that in his heart. he knows it as well as he does the lines on his own palm or the birds that nest in the tree outside of his apartment. he only knows from experience that sometimes love isn't enough. but when he lets out a breath, focusing on the warmth of vie's hands on his shoulders, he still knows he needed to hear that regardless.
it all seems so slippery now, but he wants to believe they can get through this together.
reaching for vie, he brushes his fingers against the rise of his cheek, gently moving the wisps of his hair from his face. ]
I want you to be free of all of this and I want this to be over too. [ it feels as if he's only stating the obvious and he sighs again, quiet for just a beat. ] I'm sorry I misunderstood and didn't try to talk with you about it again. I should have. Instead, I threw myself into trying to fix it by myself and didn't even gain any ground.
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he can never get enough of this, but there's still so much he has to prove. ]
It just means we have to work on it, [ vie murmurs quietly, alarmed by how quickly emotion wells up in his throat. how close had he come to losing him? how close is he still? ] You can always talk to me about anything. I would never think less of you for it or ignore you. [ and with that comes a quiet sigh. ] We can do this.
[ it's all vie has left to believe in, and he repeats it quietly, his fingers curling slightly in the fabric of jaejin's shirt. ]
I'm not going to him again. I can arrange things the way you want them, but the only person's hands I ever want to feel on me are yours. [ then, reasoning: ] I should talk to Sunni, though. It might be good to have him on our side.