[ not physically? he frowns a little and thinks over the last couple of days, tries to piece together what he might mean by that. it's true he hadn't entirely been present since his meeting with chul, but he had tried to make more time for jaejin. after all, it's not as if he has anything else to do besides loiter around his apartment and wait to be summoned—like some on-call whore. he could communicate better, he knows, and he's been making an effort now. but perhaps it's too late now that jaejin's made up his mind about something vie cannot even fathom.
the weight of jaejin's hand atop his only brings so much comfort now. ]
I don't understand. [ his expression dips, and when he looks up, he keeps his gaze directed at jaejin. ] I know I haven't been as focused as usual the last couple of days, but I don't know what you mean. You don't owe me anything, Jaejin. I just – [ vie's lips thin. ] I'm not sure what you want me to do when it feels like we're living two different lives in the same room.
I know I don't owe you anything. It isn't about that. [ this time it's quick to leave him and he heaves a sigh, frustrated but only at himself. the temptation to close off is there, to shake his head, apologize, and say he doesn't know what he means either. it would be easy to hurt both of them that way, quick and simple. but in the quiet of the kitchen, their meal cooling in the pan on the stove, he knows he doesn't want to hurt vie that way. ]
I just want you to be able to be happy one day. I know it's hard to imagine right now, but you don't have to do anything. You don't owe me anything either. [ it's uncomfortable and he knows it, the way he keeps tiptoeing around what he really needs to say instead of what's safer. he looks towards the stove then, away from their hands, giving himself an opportunity to situate his thoughts. ] I've just been thinking about the things we discussed the other night.
[ their fight, he means. he doesn't think he's the only one. if he is, that might be a reason to be grateful more than anything else. ]
[ as soon as jaejin says it, he knows it isn't true. he owes him so much that he's lost count of exactly what, and if vie tried to bring it up, it wouldn't gain much traction. especially not with the way jaejin has been carefully dodging his questions and trying to turn it back around towards him, as if he would ever want to willingly discuss chul and this situation he's gotten himself into. but there's something else more important than that staring at him, and slowly, carefully, he pulls his hand free so he can use it to lean back against the counter.
once again, it hurts. a raw wound pulled open that's never going to heal. ]
Part of what? [ there's a slight edge to his words. ] Part of being with me? Because you believe you have to kill someone to make me happy? Or is it because you think I want more than being with you? [ he needs clarification, needs to stop feeling confused with all of these half-answers. ] I know... I know I did the wrong thing. I know I made a mistake by not leaving with you, but it doesn't mean I want everything to stop being the way it was.
[ he reaches for jaejin then, taking his hand once more and drawing himself close enough that he can flatten it against his chest. ]
Even if you think the worst of me, I'm still yours. I will only ever be yours.
[ when vie pulls his hand back, jaejin almost steps back to put more space between them. he doesn't know what this feeling building in his chest is, so tight and uncomfortable, but he knows that it won't even matter once this escalates between them again. it feels like it might the more he listens to vie, frustrated and understandably so. he isn't making any of this easy for vie, too gun-shy and easily locked up.
but vie has the wrong idea and he can't just let him believe there's something wrong with him, not like this. ]
I don't think killing someone will make you happy and you didn't do the wrong thing, Vie. You wanted to protect him. It was the right choice. If we had left without saying anything to anyone, don't you think he might have gotten hurt or worse? You would have never forgiven yourself then either. There's no right answer. [ at least he's looking at vie again, lips pressed together for a moment. ] I want Sunni's father dead for touching you and for taking your choices away.
[ with a loose shrug of his shoulders, he lets out a breath. ]
You keep Yves safe and I'll keep you safe. Let me do this.
[ so that's it? it's one or the other, and that's all vie is going to have? the annoyance is so clearly written in his body language that he lets go of jaejin's hand. ]
No, Jaejin. I never thought that. Not once, since I started seeing you, did I ever think of Yves or what might have happened to him. I wasn't thinking about him when I held you and told you to pack, to leave with me. Even now, I'm still not thinking about him. [ because he knows what yves will say. he knows exactly what he'll do, and vie only holds out on the smallest hope that he didn't ruin everything for nothing. ] I won't stop you from doing this if it's what you truly want, but I still have some choice.
[ he could choose to never answer chul's requests again. he could take jaejin by the hand and drag him out the door, lead them both somewhere else far from this city and away from the mess of the amber house. he could do a lot of things, but he's so terrified of shattering everything as it tilts on a ledge that he doesn't move, doesn't breathe. doesn't dare to even say anything—not for several long moments, at least. ]
I love you. [ it's tinged with sorrow, with longing. ] And I will do anything I have to until you believe that.
[ the more jaejin talks, the more he feels like he's burying himself alive. he doesn't know what to do with any of this. they keep missing each other, not by a sliver but a mile, and it's his fault. with vie having pulled back, he wants to reach for him again, to maintain some sort of contact because he thinks this might really be it if he doesn't. instead, when he does reach for vie, it falls short as another breeze of a touch to his elbow.
for the first time, it's as if reality has set in, the pessimism in him eating away at the little hope he's held tight to since vie forgot him. ]
I know you love me, Vie. You don't have to prove anything. I love you too. I always will. [ he just doesn't know if it's enough. when chul is dead, will it solve anything? will vie actually be free, or will it put him in a much worse position? ] I feel like I've been dreaming ever since we met, but this is the first time I've been afraid of waking up. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I keep thinking of Yves and Sunni, especially if you're not.
[ he keeps trying to juggle all of it instead of holding tight and protecting what's truly important. ]
I think I'm a coward. I want to kill Chul for even thinking he could get within arm's reach of you, but at the same time I want to be okay with losing you to someone else and I'm not.
[ he doesn't know when it finally clicks, maybe somewhere between jaejin saying he loves him and mentioning yves, but it sinks in like a weight that steals his breath. it had been there before, twisted up in the intensity of their argument, and after a while, vie hadn't given it anymore thought. not because he didn't see the merit in it; he'd just never really believed that jaejin could ever think he'd want to be with someone else or leave him for another person. his own actions had dictated that well enough though, almost too well, and the guilt that climbs up into his throat to strangle him silent is nearly too much to comprehend.
rather than run, vie tries to hold his ground. he eases forward, all thought of anything else gone as he settles his hands on jaejin's shoulders. the contact helps—if only a little. ]
Look at me. [ he adds a soft please afterwards, tipping his head to meet his eyes. ] This is exactly what I mean by proving how I feel, Jaejin. I never wanted you to feel like that, and you do because I didn't keep my promise and leave with you. I thought – [ vie closes his eyes for a moment, searching for the words. ] When I told you that I loved you for the first time, I really believed I could finally be free of everything else. I didn't owe Yves for betraying him. All I had to do was leave, and I... there's no excuse for the choice I made – I realize that. But it's not because I love him or because I want to be with him.
[ what else is he trying to say? he's so lost in wanting to hold onto jaejin that he's struggling. ]
I'm afraid, too. I need this to be over so that I know we can make it. So I don't have to keep feeling as if you are already gone when you are right here in front of me.
[ it's more difficult than jaejin thought it might be, letting vie rein him in, but he still looks at him when he requests it and listens. vie is beautiful in a lot of ways, one of them being his fierce need to protect the things and people he cares about. it still hurts, vie having to tell him something he thinks he should know, but somehow doesn't.
jaejin has never doubted the fact vie loves him or just how much he does, he knows all of that in his heart. he knows it as well as he does the lines on his own palm or the birds that nest in the tree outside of his apartment. he only knows from experience that sometimes love isn't enough. but when he lets out a breath, focusing on the warmth of vie's hands on his shoulders, he still knows he needed to hear that regardless.
it all seems so slippery now, but he wants to believe they can get through this together.
reaching for vie, he brushes his fingers against the rise of his cheek, gently moving the wisps of his hair from his face. ]
I want you to be free of all of this and I want this to be over too. [ it feels as if he's only stating the obvious and he sighs again, quiet for just a beat. ] I'm sorry I misunderstood and didn't try to talk with you about it again. I should have. Instead, I threw myself into trying to fix it by myself and didn't even gain any ground.
[ it's a teasing touch, but vie lets his eyes fall shut nonetheless, focusing on the fading heat of jaejin's fingertips and the cadence of his voice. they're the only familiar things to him right now, wanting to hold onto them so he doesn't get lost in the what-ifs of it all. how incredibly easy it would be to give it up to chul and the unyielding power of the amber house, but he's come too far to let it break him. he needs to be strong for jaejin too, peering at him as one of his hands slips to his chest to feel his heartbeat.
he can never get enough of this, but there's still so much he has to prove. ]
It just means we have to work on it, [ vie murmurs quietly, alarmed by how quickly emotion wells up in his throat. how close had he come to losing him? how close is he still? ] You can always talk to me about anything. I would never think less of you for it or ignore you. [ and with that comes a quiet sigh. ] We can do this.
[ it's all vie has left to believe in, and he repeats it quietly, his fingers curling slightly in the fabric of jaejin's shirt. ]
I'm not going to him again. I can arrange things the way you want them, but the only person's hands I ever want to feel on me are yours. [ then, reasoning: ] I should talk to Sunni, though. It might be good to have him on our side.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
the weight of jaejin's hand atop his only brings so much comfort now. ]
I don't understand. [ his expression dips, and when he looks up, he keeps his gaze directed at jaejin. ] I know I haven't been as focused as usual the last couple of days, but I don't know what you mean. You don't owe me anything, Jaejin. I just – [ vie's lips thin. ] I'm not sure what you want me to do when it feels like we're living two different lives in the same room.
no subject
I just want you to be able to be happy one day. I know it's hard to imagine right now, but you don't have to do anything. You don't owe me anything either. [ it's uncomfortable and he knows it, the way he keeps tiptoeing around what he really needs to say instead of what's safer. he looks towards the stove then, away from their hands, giving himself an opportunity to situate his thoughts. ] I've just been thinking about the things we discussed the other night.
[ their fight, he means. he doesn't think he's the only one. if he is, that might be a reason to be grateful more than anything else. ]
I'm still not sure I'm part of this.
no subject
once again, it hurts. a raw wound pulled open that's never going to heal. ]
Part of what? [ there's a slight edge to his words. ] Part of being with me? Because you believe you have to kill someone to make me happy? Or is it because you think I want more than being with you? [ he needs clarification, needs to stop feeling confused with all of these half-answers. ] I know... I know I did the wrong thing. I know I made a mistake by not leaving with you, but it doesn't mean I want everything to stop being the way it was.
[ he reaches for jaejin then, taking his hand once more and drawing himself close enough that he can flatten it against his chest. ]
Even if you think the worst of me, I'm still yours. I will only ever be yours.
no subject
but vie has the wrong idea and he can't just let him believe there's something wrong with him, not like this. ]
I don't think killing someone will make you happy and you didn't do the wrong thing, Vie. You wanted to protect him. It was the right choice. If we had left without saying anything to anyone, don't you think he might have gotten hurt or worse? You would have never forgiven yourself then either. There's no right answer. [ at least he's looking at vie again, lips pressed together for a moment. ] I want Sunni's father dead for touching you and for taking your choices away.
[ with a loose shrug of his shoulders, he lets out a breath. ]
You keep Yves safe and I'll keep you safe. Let me do this.
no subject
No, Jaejin. I never thought that. Not once, since I started seeing you, did I ever think of Yves or what might have happened to him. I wasn't thinking about him when I held you and told you to pack, to leave with me. Even now, I'm still not thinking about him. [ because he knows what yves will say. he knows exactly what he'll do, and vie only holds out on the smallest hope that he didn't ruin everything for nothing. ] I won't stop you from doing this if it's what you truly want, but I still have some choice.
[ he could choose to never answer chul's requests again. he could take jaejin by the hand and drag him out the door, lead them both somewhere else far from this city and away from the mess of the amber house. he could do a lot of things, but he's so terrified of shattering everything as it tilts on a ledge that he doesn't move, doesn't breathe. doesn't dare to even say anything—not for several long moments, at least. ]
I love you. [ it's tinged with sorrow, with longing. ] And I will do anything I have to until you believe that.
no subject
for the first time, it's as if reality has set in, the pessimism in him eating away at the little hope he's held tight to since vie forgot him. ]
I know you love me, Vie. You don't have to prove anything. I love you too. I always will. [ he just doesn't know if it's enough. when chul is dead, will it solve anything? will vie actually be free, or will it put him in a much worse position? ] I feel like I've been dreaming ever since we met, but this is the first time I've been afraid of waking up. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I keep thinking of Yves and Sunni, especially if you're not.
[ he keeps trying to juggle all of it instead of holding tight and protecting what's truly important. ]
I think I'm a coward. I want to kill Chul for even thinking he could get within arm's reach of you, but at the same time I want to be okay with losing you to someone else and I'm not.
no subject
rather than run, vie tries to hold his ground. he eases forward, all thought of anything else gone as he settles his hands on jaejin's shoulders. the contact helps—if only a little. ]
Look at me. [ he adds a soft please afterwards, tipping his head to meet his eyes. ] This is exactly what I mean by proving how I feel, Jaejin. I never wanted you to feel like that, and you do because I didn't keep my promise and leave with you. I thought – [ vie closes his eyes for a moment, searching for the words. ] When I told you that I loved you for the first time, I really believed I could finally be free of everything else. I didn't owe Yves for betraying him. All I had to do was leave, and I... there's no excuse for the choice I made – I realize that. But it's not because I love him or because I want to be with him.
[ what else is he trying to say? he's so lost in wanting to hold onto jaejin that he's struggling. ]
I'm afraid, too. I need this to be over so that I know we can make it. So I don't have to keep feeling as if you are already gone when you are right here in front of me.
no subject
jaejin has never doubted the fact vie loves him or just how much he does, he knows all of that in his heart. he knows it as well as he does the lines on his own palm or the birds that nest in the tree outside of his apartment. he only knows from experience that sometimes love isn't enough. but when he lets out a breath, focusing on the warmth of vie's hands on his shoulders, he still knows he needed to hear that regardless.
it all seems so slippery now, but he wants to believe they can get through this together.
reaching for vie, he brushes his fingers against the rise of his cheek, gently moving the wisps of his hair from his face. ]
I want you to be free of all of this and I want this to be over too. [ it feels as if he's only stating the obvious and he sighs again, quiet for just a beat. ] I'm sorry I misunderstood and didn't try to talk with you about it again. I should have. Instead, I threw myself into trying to fix it by myself and didn't even gain any ground.
no subject
he can never get enough of this, but there's still so much he has to prove. ]
It just means we have to work on it, [ vie murmurs quietly, alarmed by how quickly emotion wells up in his throat. how close had he come to losing him? how close is he still? ] You can always talk to me about anything. I would never think less of you for it or ignore you. [ and with that comes a quiet sigh. ] We can do this.
[ it's all vie has left to believe in, and he repeats it quietly, his fingers curling slightly in the fabric of jaejin's shirt. ]
I'm not going to him again. I can arrange things the way you want them, but the only person's hands I ever want to feel on me are yours. [ then, reasoning: ] I should talk to Sunni, though. It might be good to have him on our side.