[ when vie leaves the room, jaejin gives himself a moment to drops his head into his hands and take a few breaths. he can't say he doesn't know how it's gotten to this point, not when he's had a front row seat and an active role in it. months ago, he should have left with vie. it would have saved them a lot of pain, maybe. then again, who knows if yves would have gotten hurt in the process. if vie can't live with that possibility, neither can he.
there are more papers on the table once vie returns, ones from before that jaejin has pulled out to review with the information he's gained from only vie's appearance. he looks up from them to look at him, his phone now face down and unnecessary now that he's home. something in his expression softens at the sight of him and that question, but his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. ]
Earlier. [ not entirely untrue. he'd eaten breakfast, but has kept himself busy since. he reaches across the table, palm up as an offering, keeping his eyes on vie. ] Are you hungry? I could make you something light.
[ asking him how he's feeling wouldn't do either of them any good. he knows vie isn't okay. ]
[ vie wants to ask about what he's doing, but there's some kind of hope rising up in his throat when jaejin reaches out for him. without even thinking, he leans to grasp his fingers. they're too far apart. he wishes they were closer. ]
Only if you eat with me. I don't want to eat alone. [ which isn't exactly true. he just doesn't want to stray too far from jaejin right now, even if he doesn't quite know how to ask for it. ] Or you could just talk to me? I missed you today.
[ vie isn't even certain he's allowed to say that anymore either, not with the way things have been the last several days. their fight is still prominent in his head, still focused on how jaejin had told him he'd chosen someone else. maybe he had, but not intentionally. not to hurt anyone. if he'd just ignored what had happened with sunni and their sham of a marriage, he could have left with jaejin and disappeared. they would have been happier than whatever this is turning into, and vie doesn't even feel comfortable initiating much between them without the fear of wondering how much more until jaejin left him completely.
his fingers squeeze around jaejin's, holding him even tighter but silent despite everything sitting on the tip of his tongue. ]
[ it's easy enough to fall into old habit and lace their fingers, accepting the squeeze and returning it even though he can feel it in his chest. he doesn't know what to do with any of the tension or the hurt, trying his damndest to focus on vie and taking care of him instead of everything else. ]
We could compromise. Would you like to talk while I make us something? [ he doesn't move from his seat just yet, though. he wants to savor the quietness of this moment and the feeling of vie's hand in his, warm and an echo of everything that has an edge to it, now. swallowing against the tightness in his throat, he offers him another smile. ] I missed you today too.
[ he's missed him for a while now, he realizes. they haven't spent more than forty-eight hours apart and it feels like it's been years, somehow. rising from his seat finally, he lifts their hands to press his lips against vie's knuckles before he untangles them. ]
[ jaejin speaks, and he lets out the breath he doesn't realize he's been holding, conscious of the shiver that runs down his back when he kisses his hand. it stings, but in a good way, something that makes him feel more than the degradation and pain he's experienced since he'd agreed to stay with the amber house. and when he has his hand back, he flattens his palm against his chest and rubs it lightly, wanting to ease the ache that's beginning to build there. if he gets too caught up in everything, it will only end in disaster, and they've both had too much of that as of late.
vie watches him move around the kitchen for a moment before slowly getting up to follow him. ]
I really can't say there's much to talk about. I do think I'm going to stay in tomorrow though. [ he'd pointedly refused to see chul again after taking such a beating tonight. it might have cost him chul's anger, but he doesn't care. ] But you said something light?
[ in an attempt to tease him, he braces a hand against the counter and smiles ever so slightly. ]
I would be happy with a Jaejin Special. [ whatever that actually is. ]
[ once he notices vie begin to follow him, jaejin does his best not to move around the kitchen too terribly much, choosing to make something simple and relatively light. he isn't sure if vie has eaten anything at all today, but knows more than anything else that he needs to. he needs to think of something that's somewhat substantial if that's the case, though.
listening to vie, there's no mistaking the way something in his chest loosens at the mention of him staying in tomorrow. he thinks it's relief, or it would be in another lifetime, but knows it's too heavy to truly be. ]
We could both stay in. Maybe watch some movies. [ it all sounds so easy, like they're just stepping around this chasm between them. is there enough to fill it? they could talk about nothing until they're both blue in the face and at the sight of vie trying to smile and tease him, jaejin almost wants to. ] How does kimchi fried rice sound? It's not exactly light, but we could share a bowl.
[ and because he can't help it, the worry so present in the way it presses against his skull, he steps close to vie, hands as gentle as humanly possible as he lifts him up to sit on the counter just to the side of the stove, touching one of his hands again when he retreats. if things were simple, he knows he could kiss him breathless, knows they'd share their meal with some laughter and careless touches.
now, he's just grateful vie is still here at all and he holds onto that feeling as he starts making their dinner. ]
[ he gives the slightest nod at the idea of sharing food, certain that his appetite is there enough to do just that. but vie doesn't get a chance to say more than that for a moment, not when jaejin is helping him up onto the counter and he's trying to ease into a comfortable position without aggravating his body too much more than it already has been. and he continues to remain quiet as he watches jaejin, finding himself distracted by the handsome silhouette of his face and the elegance of his hands. perhaps he's not much of a chef, but he always tries to take such good care of him.
vie blinks once and glances away to breathe. he can't bring himself to dwell on how much he's already ruined everything else. ]
Would you want to? [ he asks eventually, a dangerous bit of hope clinging to his heart as he looks back towards him. ] I know you've been busy when I haven't been here. I don't want to get in the way of that.
[ it's the softest, most subtle way he can think to ask what jaejin's been doing, gaze drifting back towards the table and all of its papers before settling on jaejin once more. he's close enough, closer than he has been since their argument, and vie wants to reach out for him again, standing on the cusp and much too afraid to move forward to take that leap like he always would have before. ]
[ it isn't a difficult thing to recognize when vie is tiptoeing around him, the question such a fragile thing in its execution. it still hurts though, twists something deep in his chest sharply. they've never been good at talking with each other about things, but they've never been this bad at it. he wonders if it's because of their fight. he wonders if there's even a 'they' anymore.
looking away from the stove, he lets his attention settle fully on vie again, watches and notes the way he's holding himself. worrying his lower lip, he hesitates. ]
Of course you wouldn't get in the way. [ hesitating, he worries his lower lip. he doesn't want to lie to him or skirt around it, though. ] I've been meeting with the contacts I still have. I've been trying to get what information I can about Sunni's father.
[ anything else that might have been remotely normal disappears the moment jaejin mentions chul. the anxious race of his heart is an unfamiliar one but noticeable as he slips back into a dark room with hands all over him and the pressure of pain radiating through his ribs. ]
Why? [ the word is choked out of him, and suddenly, he doesn't even care about eating. ] Why would you even think about doing something like that? Has he spoken to you?
[ there's the panic again, ripe and palpable. it causes vie to shift where he sits and curl his fingers into jaejin's shirt, tugging on it until he steps towards him and is within the distance he needs to get both hands on him. he draws him into that space between his legs and cups his face, eyes trailing over him—from his forehead to his pinkened lips. the worry is visibly written there, no longer caring if jaejin is still mad or upset with him. he needs to fix this before they break into something he won't be able to recognize. ]
Please tell me. [ he's desperate for the truth. ] I don't want anything to happen to you.
[ vie grabs at him and jaejin lets him pull him close as he always does, steadying himself with one hand on the edge of the counter near his leg. all his reaction does is reaffirm his need to keep him safe, trying not to read too much into it for fear of what he might find without any confirmation from vie himself. ]
No, he has spoken to me. I told you I would protect you and I'm going to do that, Vie. [ carefully, he lifts his other hand to touch vie's wrist, trying to make eye contact with him because he needs him to know how serious he is about this. ] I'm going to do what I need to do.
[ it's such fragile ground, this topic. he's thankful he can keep his voice firm, but still gentle, pushing every bit of care he can into it. ]
[ he's confused, but it's not worse than the squeeze around his heart, how adamant jaejin is about keeping him safe. protecting him. vie should be the one doing that, if anything. yet, he's stuck in this perpetual loop he's created for himself, and he doesn't like the idea of jaejin sacrificing something for his sake, not after what he'd done to him. his fingers curl a little deeper into jaejin's shirt, absolutely refusing to let him go. ]
Jaejin – [ no, he can't argue with him over this. he knows when he's made his mind up, at least. ] Then... let me do something. Let me help you, too.
[ because if he doesn't, there's no guarantee that either of them will make it out of this intact, and vie loves him too much not to try. his voice is much softer than he means it to be. ]
I know more about being an Amber than anyone on the outside. That has to count for something.
[ no matter how much jaejin would rather keep vie entirely separate from this, there's really no way to do that, especially not when he's right. there isn't anyone he's on decent enough terms with who is close to the amber house, not like vie is. he can spend as long as he likes collecting miscellaneous pieces of information and pictures, but it's all useless. he brushes his fingers against the back of one of vie's hands and nods. ]
Okay. [ he wants to believe they're in this together, or at least wants to try. there's so much space between them now, even as close as they are physically. he's thankful vie doesn't fight him on it though, regardless of what that means. it's such a small thing, but he needs it. ] I just need a way to get close to him. I haven't been able to find anything that might give me the opportunity to do that yet.
[ he doesn't think he needs to expand on that. whatever happens, he wants sunni's father dead. it doesn't matter how. ]
[ jaejin doesn't need to spell out exactly what he means. it had been his original goal so long ago, when he'd first planted himself in the amber house, but for several reasons, he'd pushed it aside as if the opportunity would eventually show itself. it hadn't, of course, and now, he's in a position that had nearly cost him his relationship with jaejin—and still might.
vie loosens his hold on him, ignoring the discomfort in his ribs as he gently caresses the curve of his cheek and sweeps his fingers up to tuck some of his hair behind an ear. he looks so sweet like this, a moment he wants to memorize and never forget. if and when he dies doesn't matter; seeing jaejin before that is the only thing he cares about. and he's utterly careful about the way he leans forward to brush their noses together, soaking in his strength and trying not to shiver as he speaks. ]
You are so beautiful. [ it's a breath of a whisper, swallowing to give himself strength to say it. ] He would like that, you know. If you wanted to get close to him, you wouldn't need much more than that. And what you can do – he would like that even more.
[ the suggestion terrifies him, but only because it's true. ]
[ there's no stopping the way his expression falls, even if he focuses on how good the proximity feels. what vie says does more than enough and he has to close his eyes for one beat, two, to breathe through the tension that creeps into him because of it. does it matter if it works? he's already proven sunni right in so many ways. if he can do this and do it well enough, he can kill chul and vie can be free of this. he can make whatever decisions he wants to. he could help vie like he helped him, in what feels like a lifetime ago.
it's supposed to feel good being this close to vie, but it doesn't. again, he wishes it did. it just hurts, though. taking a breath, he gives a slight nod, opening his eyes to meet vie's and giving his wrist a squeeze before he attempts to pull away from him. ]
Then I just need a way in and I can take care of it from there. I know it won't be as simple as that, but it will still be worth it.
[ how many times has he promised vie he'll keep him safe only to fall short? he won't let himself, not this time. ]
[ he wants to hold onto him, and it hurts when he realizes he can't. jaejin pulls away, and vie lets him, unsure what to do with his hands once they're not touching. he rests them on his thighs and then tucks them under his arms like it will help keep him from falling apart. it's probably for the best they don't talk about this when they're so close, but it pains him nonetheless, turning his head away to look across the opposite side of the apartment. it feels empty the same way he feels empty. ]
I could – [ vie swallows again, trying to clear his throat. he doesn't want to do this. he doesn't want jaejin anywhere near chul. ] I could introduce you. Or arrange it, I suppose. Sometimes he likes to... well, that part doesn't matter. But at least you wouldn't be alone in the room with him.
[ as if that makes any of this better. he tries to look back at him. ]
You don't have to do this for me. I could do it myself. [ if he wasn't a coward. ]
[ with another breath, jaejin tries to go back to cooking their meal, suddenly unconcerned with whether or not it burns and he has to throw it out. but he still wants to make sure it's edible because vie has to eat and he isn't sure if he has yet. how surreal that worry feels in the scope of what they're discussing isn't lost on him. turning off the burner, he looks at vie again, once more taking in his body language.
when he can't help it anymore, he grazes a soft touch to his elbow, fleeting. the last time he kissed him feels like too long ago, but that's a luxury now, isn't it? ]
I promised I'd protect you. I'll do whatever I need to. [ it's that simple. he promised him and he loves him more than he thought he could ever be capable of loving another person. even if he loses him at the end of this, at least he'll have kept his promise. it isn't conditional sort of love. ] Would it make it easier or harder if I was alone with him? It doesn't matter if it's a clean kill as long as it does the job.
[ it takes a lot of restraint not to lean into the way he touches him. his elbow, of all things. jaejin's fingers graze his damned elbow, and there's a desperation that fills him, muted by the way jaejin continues the conversation like nothing else is more important than that. maybe it isn't. maybe he's just too lost in his own head to see what he really needs to focus on, and he's a little frustrated with himself that it's come to this. their relationship feels scattered and broken, and he has to try to do something about it. ]
That's not what I'm worried about, [ he murmurs, almost too quiet, and then, he shifts a bit on the counter to angle himself towards jaejin. ] I don't know if killing him is going to make any of this better, but doing it alone is too risky. At least, if I'm there, I could distract him. I'm not – [ the frustration is there again, curling tight around his throat. ] I'm not completely helpless. I want him dead just as much as you do. I promise I do. But if something happens to you, I could never forgive myself.
[ vie reaches out then, gripping lightly at his forearm. ]
My feelings for you haven't changed. You are not some person in my life who's disposable. I need you.
[ it makes him pause, the mention that killing chul might not make anything better. he's been so single-mindedly focused on it that he'd almost convinced himself that one man's death would solve everything. he needed it, that kind of hype fixation to pull him by the throat through every favor he promised for every useless piece of intel. it doesn't stop him from watching vie, nor does it stop him from letting him keep his grip on him. ]
I've never seen you as helpless, Vie. You're still the strongest person I've ever met. Sometimes you have to let yourself be protected, though. It doesn't make you weak. We can do it together if it's smarter.
[ the rest of it is a lot harder to digest. he's been functioning on the idea that whatever that's left between them has been filed down to something sharp, something easier to cut themselves on. he settles his hand over vie's and sighs, a broken thing even as he tries to suppress it. ]
My feelings for you haven't changed either. You'll always have my heart.
[ maybe all of this isn't only about chul. maybe it's not even about the amber house or the hold it has on both of them. it's simply about them, and if they continue moving at such a contradictory pace, they're never going to meet up again like they used to. or had they always? vie thinks on it and decides that being passive isn't getting him anywhere, and even though it might hurt, he needs to reinforce it in both of them somehow.
so, carefully, he lets go of jaejin and slides off of the counter, keeping as much pain out of his face as he possibly can, and once he's standing, he presses back into jaejin's personal space, shoving down the tightness that's already starting to form in his throat. it's like that moment when he'd come home to him to tell him that he couldn't leave. except it's worse than that, taking jaejin's hand and letting his thumb rub over his knuckles as he tries to parse the things he wants to say. he doesn't care about chul or yves or anything else.
all he cares about is the one person in front of him who can't even really look at him now. ]
Then why does it feel like you're so far away from me? I don't know how to reach you.
[ would it make it better if he didn't ask and let jaejin figure it out on his own? would it keep them from from falling apart even more than they already had? ]
[ to say jaejin isn't prepared for this conversation would be a vast understatement. his gaze drops to their hands, watching vie's thumb skip over each bump of his knuckle, focusing on the warmth of his hold instead of the urge to curl in on himself and direct their attention back to chul and what needs to be done. his heart hurts, sharp in a way it doesn't when he shoves it to the background.
he knows everything that brought them here, knows he's responsible for making vie feel like he's out of reach when what he really needs is support, not space. it's a hard balance, wanting to be as honest with him as possible and not wanting to upset him further. he doesn't want to think of their fight, but it's even harder not to. ]
I'm still here. [ it's the truth in a few ways, gentle. after a breath, he decides he wants to try being upfront again, and this time his tone is unsure. ] I just want to be prepared when you leave.
[ his fingers curl around jaejin's, perhaps too tight. ]
What do you mean? I'm not going anywhere.
[ the confusion is a little too prominent in the way he looks at him, trying to piece together what he might mean by it. if he ever left, when he did, it wouldn't be without jaejin. that had been their original plan, hadn't it? it had been the only thing keeping him going since he'd agreed to all of this, the potential of a future without anyone but jaejin in his life. none of that had changed; at least, to vie, none of that had changed. it had been his only wish since the very beginning, since he'd told jaejin that he loved him. ]
Why would you think I would ever leave without you?
[ but even as he asks, he knows. it's difficult not to think about it now, the way jaejin had told him before: he had chosen someone else. not purposely. not even willingly, really. but none of it makes any sense anymore, and vie can't continue to blame this situation on a decision he had no time to think over. ]
[ there's visible hesitation on jaejin's part. he isn't sure how to say what he's already said, not when he's upset vie with it before. he stays quiet, watching their hands and letting his fingers curl against vie's in return. it feels like all of him aches for when things seemed simpler, when they could smile and share sweeter moments together, enjoy each other. he doesn't want to think of when they'd discussed their honeymoon, of all things. if he lets himself get caught up in it, he won't be prepared when it happens.
he won't anyway, of course. vie is the only thing, person or otherwise, he's let himself want and believe he can have in over a decade. ]
Not physically, Vie. [ even with his distinct lack of experience in relationships, he knows that checking out mentally is worse than the act of walking out of a door. he clears his throat and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. ] But I want to do this for you first.
[ not physically? he frowns a little and thinks over the last couple of days, tries to piece together what he might mean by that. it's true he hadn't entirely been present since his meeting with chul, but he had tried to make more time for jaejin. after all, it's not as if he has anything else to do besides loiter around his apartment and wait to be summoned—like some on-call whore. he could communicate better, he knows, and he's been making an effort now. but perhaps it's too late now that jaejin's made up his mind about something vie cannot even fathom.
the weight of jaejin's hand atop his only brings so much comfort now. ]
I don't understand. [ his expression dips, and when he looks up, he keeps his gaze directed at jaejin. ] I know I haven't been as focused as usual the last couple of days, but I don't know what you mean. You don't owe me anything, Jaejin. I just – [ vie's lips thin. ] I'm not sure what you want me to do when it feels like we're living two different lives in the same room.
I know I don't owe you anything. It isn't about that. [ this time it's quick to leave him and he heaves a sigh, frustrated but only at himself. the temptation to close off is there, to shake his head, apologize, and say he doesn't know what he means either. it would be easy to hurt both of them that way, quick and simple. but in the quiet of the kitchen, their meal cooling in the pan on the stove, he knows he doesn't want to hurt vie that way. ]
I just want you to be able to be happy one day. I know it's hard to imagine right now, but you don't have to do anything. You don't owe me anything either. [ it's uncomfortable and he knows it, the way he keeps tiptoeing around what he really needs to say instead of what's safer. he looks towards the stove then, away from their hands, giving himself an opportunity to situate his thoughts. ] I've just been thinking about the things we discussed the other night.
[ their fight, he means. he doesn't think he's the only one. if he is, that might be a reason to be grateful more than anything else. ]
[ as soon as jaejin says it, he knows it isn't true. he owes him so much that he's lost count of exactly what, and if vie tried to bring it up, it wouldn't gain much traction. especially not with the way jaejin has been carefully dodging his questions and trying to turn it back around towards him, as if he would ever want to willingly discuss chul and this situation he's gotten himself into. but there's something else more important than that staring at him, and slowly, carefully, he pulls his hand free so he can use it to lean back against the counter.
once again, it hurts. a raw wound pulled open that's never going to heal. ]
Part of what? [ there's a slight edge to his words. ] Part of being with me? Because you believe you have to kill someone to make me happy? Or is it because you think I want more than being with you? [ he needs clarification, needs to stop feeling confused with all of these half-answers. ] I know... I know I did the wrong thing. I know I made a mistake by not leaving with you, but it doesn't mean I want everything to stop being the way it was.
[ he reaches for jaejin then, taking his hand once more and drawing himself close enough that he can flatten it against his chest. ]
Even if you think the worst of me, I'm still yours. I will only ever be yours.
[ when vie pulls his hand back, jaejin almost steps back to put more space between them. he doesn't know what this feeling building in his chest is, so tight and uncomfortable, but he knows that it won't even matter once this escalates between them again. it feels like it might the more he listens to vie, frustrated and understandably so. he isn't making any of this easy for vie, too gun-shy and easily locked up.
but vie has the wrong idea and he can't just let him believe there's something wrong with him, not like this. ]
I don't think killing someone will make you happy and you didn't do the wrong thing, Vie. You wanted to protect him. It was the right choice. If we had left without saying anything to anyone, don't you think he might have gotten hurt or worse? You would have never forgiven yourself then either. There's no right answer. [ at least he's looking at vie again, lips pressed together for a moment. ] I want Sunni's father dead for touching you and for taking your choices away.
[ with a loose shrug of his shoulders, he lets out a breath. ]
You keep Yves safe and I'll keep you safe. Let me do this.
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there are more papers on the table once vie returns, ones from before that jaejin has pulled out to review with the information he's gained from only vie's appearance. he looks up from them to look at him, his phone now face down and unnecessary now that he's home. something in his expression softens at the sight of him and that question, but his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. ]
Earlier. [ not entirely untrue. he'd eaten breakfast, but has kept himself busy since. he reaches across the table, palm up as an offering, keeping his eyes on vie. ] Are you hungry? I could make you something light.
[ asking him how he's feeling wouldn't do either of them any good. he knows vie isn't okay. ]
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Only if you eat with me. I don't want to eat alone. [ which isn't exactly true. he just doesn't want to stray too far from jaejin right now, even if he doesn't quite know how to ask for it. ] Or you could just talk to me? I missed you today.
[ vie isn't even certain he's allowed to say that anymore either, not with the way things have been the last several days. their fight is still prominent in his head, still focused on how jaejin had told him he'd chosen someone else. maybe he had, but not intentionally. not to hurt anyone. if he'd just ignored what had happened with sunni and their sham of a marriage, he could have left with jaejin and disappeared. they would have been happier than whatever this is turning into, and vie doesn't even feel comfortable initiating much between them without the fear of wondering how much more until jaejin left him completely.
his fingers squeeze around jaejin's, holding him even tighter but silent despite everything sitting on the tip of his tongue. ]
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We could compromise. Would you like to talk while I make us something? [ he doesn't move from his seat just yet, though. he wants to savor the quietness of this moment and the feeling of vie's hand in his, warm and an echo of everything that has an edge to it, now. swallowing against the tightness in his throat, he offers him another smile. ] I missed you today too.
[ he's missed him for a while now, he realizes. they haven't spent more than forty-eight hours apart and it feels like it's been years, somehow. rising from his seat finally, he lifts their hands to press his lips against vie's knuckles before he untangles them. ]
Tell me what you'd like to eat.
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vie watches him move around the kitchen for a moment before slowly getting up to follow him. ]
I really can't say there's much to talk about. I do think I'm going to stay in tomorrow though. [ he'd pointedly refused to see chul again after taking such a beating tonight. it might have cost him chul's anger, but he doesn't care. ] But you said something light?
[ in an attempt to tease him, he braces a hand against the counter and smiles ever so slightly. ]
I would be happy with a Jaejin Special. [ whatever that actually is. ]
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listening to vie, there's no mistaking the way something in his chest loosens at the mention of him staying in tomorrow. he thinks it's relief, or it would be in another lifetime, but knows it's too heavy to truly be. ]
We could both stay in. Maybe watch some movies. [ it all sounds so easy, like they're just stepping around this chasm between them. is there enough to fill it? they could talk about nothing until they're both blue in the face and at the sight of vie trying to smile and tease him, jaejin almost wants to. ] How does kimchi fried rice sound? It's not exactly light, but we could share a bowl.
[ and because he can't help it, the worry so present in the way it presses against his skull, he steps close to vie, hands as gentle as humanly possible as he lifts him up to sit on the counter just to the side of the stove, touching one of his hands again when he retreats. if things were simple, he knows he could kiss him breathless, knows they'd share their meal with some laughter and careless touches.
now, he's just grateful vie is still here at all and he holds onto that feeling as he starts making their dinner. ]
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vie blinks once and glances away to breathe. he can't bring himself to dwell on how much he's already ruined everything else. ]
Would you want to? [ he asks eventually, a dangerous bit of hope clinging to his heart as he looks back towards him. ] I know you've been busy when I haven't been here. I don't want to get in the way of that.
[ it's the softest, most subtle way he can think to ask what jaejin's been doing, gaze drifting back towards the table and all of its papers before settling on jaejin once more. he's close enough, closer than he has been since their argument, and vie wants to reach out for him again, standing on the cusp and much too afraid to move forward to take that leap like he always would have before. ]
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looking away from the stove, he lets his attention settle fully on vie again, watches and notes the way he's holding himself. worrying his lower lip, he hesitates. ]
Of course you wouldn't get in the way. [ hesitating, he worries his lower lip. he doesn't want to lie to him or skirt around it, though. ] I've been meeting with the contacts I still have. I've been trying to get what information I can about Sunni's father.
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Why? [ the word is choked out of him, and suddenly, he doesn't even care about eating. ] Why would you even think about doing something like that? Has he spoken to you?
[ there's the panic again, ripe and palpable. it causes vie to shift where he sits and curl his fingers into jaejin's shirt, tugging on it until he steps towards him and is within the distance he needs to get both hands on him. he draws him into that space between his legs and cups his face, eyes trailing over him—from his forehead to his pinkened lips. the worry is visibly written there, no longer caring if jaejin is still mad or upset with him. he needs to fix this before they break into something he won't be able to recognize. ]
Please tell me. [ he's desperate for the truth. ] I don't want anything to happen to you.
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No, he has spoken to me. I told you I would protect you and I'm going to do that, Vie. [ carefully, he lifts his other hand to touch vie's wrist, trying to make eye contact with him because he needs him to know how serious he is about this. ] I'm going to do what I need to do.
[ it's such fragile ground, this topic. he's thankful he can keep his voice firm, but still gentle, pushing every bit of care he can into it. ]
I'm not asking your permission this time.
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Jaejin – [ no, he can't argue with him over this. he knows when he's made his mind up, at least. ] Then... let me do something. Let me help you, too.
[ because if he doesn't, there's no guarantee that either of them will make it out of this intact, and vie loves him too much not to try. his voice is much softer than he means it to be. ]
I know more about being an Amber than anyone on the outside. That has to count for something.
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Okay. [ he wants to believe they're in this together, or at least wants to try. there's so much space between them now, even as close as they are physically. he's thankful vie doesn't fight him on it though, regardless of what that means. it's such a small thing, but he needs it. ] I just need a way to get close to him. I haven't been able to find anything that might give me the opportunity to do that yet.
[ he doesn't think he needs to expand on that. whatever happens, he wants sunni's father dead. it doesn't matter how. ]
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vie loosens his hold on him, ignoring the discomfort in his ribs as he gently caresses the curve of his cheek and sweeps his fingers up to tuck some of his hair behind an ear. he looks so sweet like this, a moment he wants to memorize and never forget. if and when he dies doesn't matter; seeing jaejin before that is the only thing he cares about. and he's utterly careful about the way he leans forward to brush their noses together, soaking in his strength and trying not to shiver as he speaks. ]
You are so beautiful. [ it's a breath of a whisper, swallowing to give himself strength to say it. ] He would like that, you know. If you wanted to get close to him, you wouldn't need much more than that. And what you can do – he would like that even more.
[ the suggestion terrifies him, but only because it's true. ]
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it's supposed to feel good being this close to vie, but it doesn't. again, he wishes it did. it just hurts, though. taking a breath, he gives a slight nod, opening his eyes to meet vie's and giving his wrist a squeeze before he attempts to pull away from him. ]
Then I just need a way in and I can take care of it from there. I know it won't be as simple as that, but it will still be worth it.
[ how many times has he promised vie he'll keep him safe only to fall short? he won't let himself, not this time. ]
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I could – [ vie swallows again, trying to clear his throat. he doesn't want to do this. he doesn't want jaejin anywhere near chul. ] I could introduce you. Or arrange it, I suppose. Sometimes he likes to... well, that part doesn't matter. But at least you wouldn't be alone in the room with him.
[ as if that makes any of this better. he tries to look back at him. ]
You don't have to do this for me. I could do it myself. [ if he wasn't a coward. ]
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when he can't help it anymore, he grazes a soft touch to his elbow, fleeting. the last time he kissed him feels like too long ago, but that's a luxury now, isn't it? ]
I promised I'd protect you. I'll do whatever I need to. [ it's that simple. he promised him and he loves him more than he thought he could ever be capable of loving another person. even if he loses him at the end of this, at least he'll have kept his promise. it isn't conditional sort of love. ] Would it make it easier or harder if I was alone with him? It doesn't matter if it's a clean kill as long as it does the job.
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That's not what I'm worried about, [ he murmurs, almost too quiet, and then, he shifts a bit on the counter to angle himself towards jaejin. ] I don't know if killing him is going to make any of this better, but doing it alone is too risky. At least, if I'm there, I could distract him. I'm not – [ the frustration is there again, curling tight around his throat. ] I'm not completely helpless. I want him dead just as much as you do. I promise I do. But if something happens to you, I could never forgive myself.
[ vie reaches out then, gripping lightly at his forearm. ]
My feelings for you haven't changed. You are not some person in my life who's disposable. I need you.
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I've never seen you as helpless, Vie. You're still the strongest person I've ever met. Sometimes you have to let yourself be protected, though. It doesn't make you weak. We can do it together if it's smarter.
[ the rest of it is a lot harder to digest. he's been functioning on the idea that whatever that's left between them has been filed down to something sharp, something easier to cut themselves on. he settles his hand over vie's and sighs, a broken thing even as he tries to suppress it. ]
My feelings for you haven't changed either. You'll always have my heart.
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so, carefully, he lets go of jaejin and slides off of the counter, keeping as much pain out of his face as he possibly can, and once he's standing, he presses back into jaejin's personal space, shoving down the tightness that's already starting to form in his throat. it's like that moment when he'd come home to him to tell him that he couldn't leave. except it's worse than that, taking jaejin's hand and letting his thumb rub over his knuckles as he tries to parse the things he wants to say. he doesn't care about chul or yves or anything else.
all he cares about is the one person in front of him who can't even really look at him now. ]
Then why does it feel like you're so far away from me? I don't know how to reach you.
[ would it make it better if he didn't ask and let jaejin figure it out on his own? would it keep them from from falling apart even more than they already had? ]
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he knows everything that brought them here, knows he's responsible for making vie feel like he's out of reach when what he really needs is support, not space. it's a hard balance, wanting to be as honest with him as possible and not wanting to upset him further. he doesn't want to think of their fight, but it's even harder not to. ]
I'm still here. [ it's the truth in a few ways, gentle. after a breath, he decides he wants to try being upfront again, and this time his tone is unsure. ] I just want to be prepared when you leave.
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What do you mean? I'm not going anywhere.
[ the confusion is a little too prominent in the way he looks at him, trying to piece together what he might mean by it. if he ever left, when he did, it wouldn't be without jaejin. that had been their original plan, hadn't it? it had been the only thing keeping him going since he'd agreed to all of this, the potential of a future without anyone but jaejin in his life. none of that had changed; at least, to vie, none of that had changed. it had been his only wish since the very beginning, since he'd told jaejin that he loved him. ]
Why would you think I would ever leave without you?
[ but even as he asks, he knows. it's difficult not to think about it now, the way jaejin had told him before: he had chosen someone else. not purposely. not even willingly, really. but none of it makes any sense anymore, and vie can't continue to blame this situation on a decision he had no time to think over. ]
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he won't anyway, of course. vie is the only thing, person or otherwise, he's let himself want and believe he can have in over a decade. ]
Not physically, Vie. [ even with his distinct lack of experience in relationships, he knows that checking out mentally is worse than the act of walking out of a door. he clears his throat and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. ] But I want to do this for you first.
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the weight of jaejin's hand atop his only brings so much comfort now. ]
I don't understand. [ his expression dips, and when he looks up, he keeps his gaze directed at jaejin. ] I know I haven't been as focused as usual the last couple of days, but I don't know what you mean. You don't owe me anything, Jaejin. I just – [ vie's lips thin. ] I'm not sure what you want me to do when it feels like we're living two different lives in the same room.
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I just want you to be able to be happy one day. I know it's hard to imagine right now, but you don't have to do anything. You don't owe me anything either. [ it's uncomfortable and he knows it, the way he keeps tiptoeing around what he really needs to say instead of what's safer. he looks towards the stove then, away from their hands, giving himself an opportunity to situate his thoughts. ] I've just been thinking about the things we discussed the other night.
[ their fight, he means. he doesn't think he's the only one. if he is, that might be a reason to be grateful more than anything else. ]
I'm still not sure I'm part of this.
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once again, it hurts. a raw wound pulled open that's never going to heal. ]
Part of what? [ there's a slight edge to his words. ] Part of being with me? Because you believe you have to kill someone to make me happy? Or is it because you think I want more than being with you? [ he needs clarification, needs to stop feeling confused with all of these half-answers. ] I know... I know I did the wrong thing. I know I made a mistake by not leaving with you, but it doesn't mean I want everything to stop being the way it was.
[ he reaches for jaejin then, taking his hand once more and drawing himself close enough that he can flatten it against his chest. ]
Even if you think the worst of me, I'm still yours. I will only ever be yours.
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but vie has the wrong idea and he can't just let him believe there's something wrong with him, not like this. ]
I don't think killing someone will make you happy and you didn't do the wrong thing, Vie. You wanted to protect him. It was the right choice. If we had left without saying anything to anyone, don't you think he might have gotten hurt or worse? You would have never forgiven yourself then either. There's no right answer. [ at least he's looking at vie again, lips pressed together for a moment. ] I want Sunni's father dead for touching you and for taking your choices away.
[ with a loose shrug of his shoulders, he lets out a breath. ]
You keep Yves safe and I'll keep you safe. Let me do this.
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