[ and that's all jaejin says for a long while, finally looking away from vie because he can't just keep staring at him, not with the way it finally all slips through his fingers no matter how hard he tries to hold onto any of it. he feels like he should understand, that he should know vie wants to keep yves safe because he's important to him. that's what it comes down to, isn't it? yves is important.
he doesn't like the feeling that finally nestles itself in him. ]
So you're staying for Yves. [ it feels stupid, saying something they both already know out loud and even to his own ears he doesn't sound like himself. like before though, jaejin needs to say it to really drive it home to himself. ] You ask me what I wanted. You let me pack. I waited for you.
[ he knows he's verging hysterical, but his heart hurts more than it did when vie looked his way and didn't recognize him. now he knows him and has all of his memories, and yet. when he moves from the couch, it's because he needs the space and he feels like he can't breathe. ]
Did you even think of me? When you were making the decision to stay, I mean. [ he knows the answer to that in his heart and he wants to hear it in vie's own words, his voice louder and more breathy than he'd like it to be. ] It didn't matter, did it? Once you saw what was in that envelope. Nothing in this room did.
[ vie lifts his head when jaejin stands, confusion driving right through him. ]
I didn't do those things to hurt you, Jaejin. I wanted them too. I still want them. [ but the longer he lets everything sit, the more difficult it becomes to find a good answer that isn't going to hurt them both. vie frowns at the floor. ] I don't know how you could think that you don't matter to me.
[ except —
when had he ever proved his loyalty to him the same way he'd tried giving it to yves? asking jaejin to leave countless times isn't quite the same as staying in a marriage with a man he didn't even like, and now that he's tossing everything aside once more for the same person... vie knows what that looks like. he knows what it must feel like, but he can't leave it alone. whatever feelings he had for yves had died the moment he'd fallen in love with jaejin, and it pulls at his heart, threading his fingers together to keep his hands from shaking. ]
Of course I thought of you. But I thought about him, too. He's my friend. I owe him – [ he clenches his jaw. ] That part doesn't matter. Tell me what you would have done if you had been in my position. Would you have chosen differently?
[ when jaejin lets out a breath now, he knows his expression crumbles with it. he moves to stand near the window, the low coffee table between them. the distance is needed in more than one way. he knows this wasn't easy to vie, but he doesn't know if he can keep screaming what about me in his direction and still mean it. ]
Do you need my answer to justify it? [ his voice is tight, the hurt creeping in on his tone. ] Should I tell you I would have done the same thing if I was in your position? Would that change anything?
[ no matter what he does or how he tries to direct his focus, he can't stop thinking about how close they were to leaving, to finally being together, to vie being his. and it feels selfish because he knows vie is right in a lot of ways. ]
That part doesn't matter. [ parroted, but not unkindly. does it matter what he would have done? nothing he'd said before did. he keeps his gaze away from vie, keeps it on the floor in front of him. ] I know he's your friend and that you owe him. That's the part that matters.
[ everything is shifting and slipping out of his grasp, and for the first time, it's as if jaejin is too far away from him to reach. it hurts in a different way than all of the pain he's been put through in the last several hours, and he stands as though he's going to walk right to him.
vie crosses his arms over his chest instead. ]
Is that really what you believe? [ the words are soft, treading carefully in a way he's never done with jaejin. ] You make it sound as if you aren't part of this. That you don't matter.
[ and that hurts. it hurts him to the point that he has to squeeze his eyes shut and grit his teeth to keep the outburst from leaving him in a way he can't control. the stuttered breath he takes does nothing to calm the stress knotting up his stomach and causing every part of him to tense up. what else is he supposed to do? what could he do? there's a part of him that knows yves is laughing at him for being as stupid as he's always been, but it's not nearly as heartbreaking as jaejin's back to him. ]
I'm sorry. [ but his apology sounds weak. ] If I had given another answer, I might not have made it back here to tell you. And I'm not expecting you to understand, but I don't want you doing this. You're upset, I know. But I can't know what you're thinking unless you tell me.
[ louder than he means for it to be and far too loud for the hour with walls as thin as his. it sounds so pathetic, but it's true. it doesn't stop him from wincing at the volume and the desperation in his voice, wishing it wasn't there. wishing again that he could rewind time to only a handful of days ago when he finally got vie back, when vie finally saw him again. ]
I don't think I'm part of this. I know I matter to you, but is it enough? In the end, I'm never going to be able to hold onto you. [ he doesn't want to acknowledge vie's apology. he wants to believe vie did what he thought was right and is standing by it — which he is, plain as day. there are things he's done today that he can't fault him for. ] You did your best, didn't you? You wanted us to have a clean break, to be safe and happy together. He just knew how to keep you.
[ because the threat of hurting yves will always be there and vie loves him. maybe this sickening feeling is jealousy, but jaejin isn't sure. he recognizes the heartbreak for what it is though, sharp and pin thin. ]
So you gave it up and chose Yves. That threat won't ever go away. A decade from now, it will still be there. I don't know what the right answer is. [ he swallows and tries to stay reasonable, tries to not lean into the anxiety and the panic and the pain. he isn't as good at it as he wants to be. ] But it might have been easier if you'd made that decision without remembering me. Instead, you saw me, knew me, and still chose someone else.
[ it's like an unspoken ultimatum: jaejin or yves.
has it always been, he wonders. in the beginning, it had been nothing else except trying to help yves, to prove he could be more than someone who took and left while never giving anything back. but slowly, jaejin had filled in those gaps. he'd been vie's waking hours and his dreams, the only thing he'd ever really wanted for himself. he still does, and maybe that's why it bothers him, the sting in his eyes prominent as he blinks once before looking away.
jaejin hits him right where he's vulnerable too, mercilessly. should he have never remembered at all? could they have remained strangers, a wall of indifference separating them and the memories he hadn't had before. the sleepless nights, the love confessions, the urgency and fondness every time they kissed. he'd wanted to leave for him, but every time, jaejin had convinced him to stay. now, he can barely breathe with the thought that everything's unraveling and it had been his fault for being so careless. ]
You're saying that as if I knew this was going to happen. [ he bites it out, loud and defensive and pained. ] I have never wanted any part of this. This life or this family. Nothing about it was worth it until I met you.
[ vie pauses then, to swallow and press his fingertips just beneath his eyes like it will keep the tears from falling. his voice is quiet when he speaks. ]
I didn't choose him. [ it's almost as if he's convincing himself more than jaejin. ] If it had been you, I would have done the same thing – no hesitation. But maybe it doesn't make any difference. I don't know what a good decision is, so you should choose for me.
[ jaejin shakes his head in response almost immediately. he knows vie couldn't have anticipated any of this, knows he never wanted it. from what he's said and shown him, it's always been a means to an end. it's not what he means and certainly not what he wants to say, but he can't make any of vie's decisions for him, not now or in the future. everything in him aches to turn back to him and reach out for him, too conscious of the pain in his tone and knowing he's the cause of it. he still wants to take care of him, still wishes he could.
sunni was right, in the end. he was right about a lot of things. maybe this is just everything coming full circle. ]
I can't choose for you, Vie. If it had been me, we could have left. [ it's gentler this time, maybe because he knows they should be quieter because of the hour, or maybe because he can feel the fight bleeding out of him. he wouldn't have cared if they had to look over their shoulders for the rest of their lives, he doesn't think. at the end of the day, they would have been together. that should be what matters. ] We just need to do the best we can with this situation now. It was your dream, wasn't it? We can just go back to that plan.
[ if they do, vie will be free to make any decision he likes instead of the ones he feels he has to. he'll be free in every sense. jaejin doesn't know why he feels so hollowed out. ]
perhaps it's the softened lilt of jaejin's voice. maybe it's the words sitting between them and picking him apart little by little. vie can't place it, and he doesn't have the energy to, not when anger and disbelief are still far too tangible to him. he should say yes and agree with him, hope to salvage the parts of their relationship that are still intact. he should, but he can't because jaejin doesn't see things the way vie sees them. he really doesn't understand. ]
It's not my dream! [ and this time, he does snap at him. he can't breathe. ] No part of it was anything I wanted, Jaejin. None of it. I became complacent because I knew that as long as I was married, it might do something to soften the blow. You're the one I want you. I still want you. You're my dream. [ he can taste the tears now. he's so tired. ] But I can't let someone else die because of me, either.
I didn't want to live with that and be with you. It would have ruined whatever happiness we would have had, and you deserve more than that from me.
[ his guilt is an incredibly strong thing, perhaps stronger than even vie had known, and that, he thinks, is why he'd agreed to stay more than anything else. ]
[ vie snaps and jaejin finally looks at him and part of him wishes he hadn't.
if they'd left earlier without vie talking with sunni's father, he imagines someone would have still gotten hurt or worse. if he had an envelope full of yves, why wouldn't the amber house retaliate by killing him? if they had left and something had still happened to yves, vie would have never forgiven himself. And he knows vie is right, he knows he can't ask him to let someone die just so they can leave and have some kind of chance. it's selfish and it isn't him who deserves more than that, it's vie. ]
I know. I'm sorry.
[ he doesn't know what to say or where they should go from here. he doesn't even know what staying means for vie. sunni is gone and everything is a mess. he drops his gaze this time instead of turning away from him again, tries not to choke on the shame he feels for pushing vie this far and upsetting him this much. ]
Don't, [ he starts, and then stops, unable to push forward any further. vie only knows he doesn't want jaejin to apologize. ] I did this. I will try to fix it.
[ but even vie isn't sure how he'll manage to do that. he has no real allies outside the amber house, he has no friends. part of him wonders if he still has jaejin now, a direct trigger to the ache in his heart and the wetness rimming his eyes. jaejin's standing there like he's been scolded rather than hurt, and vie can't help feeling he's no better than his boss or any of the other people that had used him before. he had wanted him to feel safe and comfortable, but he's done nothing except hurt him.
vie takes the slightest step back and sits on the sofa again, torn on what to do. part of him wants to leave, but the selfish part of him wants to get on his knees in front of jaejin and beg him for forgiveness. he feels himself growing a little cold. ]
I'm sorry for making that choice, but you don't owe me anything.
[ it feels as if vie is shutting him out and the panic rises in his throat again, neatly blanketing the shame. he wonders if this is how he loses vie — to a fight he started himself over something vie had no choice in.
crossing the distance between them, jaejin wedges himself between the sofa and coffee table easily, pressing his knees into the thin carpet and reaching for one of vie's hands before he can overthink it. if he pulls away, jaejin doesn't think he could blame him. for now, he wants to try. looking up at vie, he takes a few beats to get a grasp on anything he wants to say, his throat tight. everything just hurts. ]
Please, Vie. [ and apparently, he isn't above begging, though it's the first time he's done it since he got down on his knees in an attempt to convince his boss not to touch his parents. ] Aren't we in this together?
[ it doesn't feel right. he should be the one begging, not jaejin. he doesn't want jaejin to look at him either, still finding it incredibly difficult to get a grasp on his feelings as such simple words make his eyes burn even more.
together should mean so much more than this. it should mean them leaving – maybe they still could, if vie is brave enough to think of it – and it should mean them never looking back at all of this. instead, they've been fumbling and grasping at each other for much too long. how much longer until one of them finally decides that it's enough? how much longer until one of them really does leave? vie can taste that fear even as he clings to jaejin's hand, squeezing at it like it's the only lifeline he has now. ]
I don't want to hurt you, [ he whispers, and it's worse somehow, saying it out loud. ] But I keep doing it. How could you want that after what I've done to you?
[ jaejin thought it would be better once he had vie's hand in his, but it isn't. that panic is still there in his throat, in his lungs. it feels like all it's doing is pushing all of the air from him, making it it hard for him to calm himself down. vie keeps trying to do things on his own and jaejin understands that more than he'd like to, but he thought it might be easier when he remembered him. easier to work together, anyway.
he rests his other hand over vie's, holds it in a grip tighter than he would usually. he knows what he looks like on his knees, hates that it's the second time he's been on them in the last day, but he knows more than anything that he'd even crawl on glass for vie. ]
You try your best. You don't ever mean to. You're my dream too. You're the only dream I've let myself have. [ that he can remember, that is. he's sure he had a real dream as a child, but everything is so muddle that he can't parse his own childhood from the others he's taken. ] Please let me help you.
[ the fear he'd felt in that room with chul threatens to swallow him once more, battered against the fear of having jaejin ripped from him without warning. it's too much, and vie senses the crack in his armor spread and shatter just like that, wrung out and overwhelmed.
he can't even find his voice to answer right away, shifting forward to hide his face against jaejin's shoulder as his breath hitches; then, he cries. his free hand tangles itself in jaejin's shirt, pulling and twisting until he's caught in it, and he doesn't care how awkward it might be or what kind of strain it puts on his already sore backside. he needs this. he's needed jaejin since he'd left him to face the consequences of someone else's actions, and he'd needed him before he'd walked through that door. but he can't be selfish enough to accept jaejin helping him if it means hurting him—or worse, killing him. he'd never survive it. he'd never forgive himself ]
I don't know why I said yes, [ he breathes, the words watery and muffled. ] I don't know how you can help me. I just – I'm so scared, Jaejin. I can't protect you anymore.
[ vie tips into him and jaejin releases his hand to wrap his arms around him, holding onto him tightly as if he might disappear at even a wrong breath. when vie starts to cry is when he knows his heart isn't done breaking tonight. he wishes he could hold him closer, but he's wished for a lot of things in only the past hour that it seems more like a moot point.
he can't even take him away from all of this without there being collateral damage and he could never do that to him. ]
You said yes because it was the right thing to do. You just want to protect him, Vie. [ even if it hurts. jaejin doesn't know what kind of deal vie made, but he knows what sunni told him. ] You don't have to protect me. Let me protect you. I don't know how yet, but I will. I'm going to keep you safe.
[ it should make him feel better with jaejin's arms wrapped around him, but all it does is drive the thought even deeper into him. he doesn't deserve this. he'd ruined whatever chance they had at a happy life, one without this kind of pain or these kinds of promises to one another. how could jaejin even want to stay after everything? it's a question on the tip of his tongue, as the tears slow, but he doesn't ask it. instead, he tries to breathe, his other hand clutching at him for support.
yves is going to laugh at him and kick him out onto the street for doing this. ]
I really don't know if I did anything except hurt you. [ it's what he believes, and even the quiet parts of him know it's true. ] You keep trusting me, and I break that trust every time I leave you. Protecting me will only make it worse.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ and that's all jaejin says for a long while, finally looking away from vie because he can't just keep staring at him, not with the way it finally all slips through his fingers no matter how hard he tries to hold onto any of it. he feels like he should understand, that he should know vie wants to keep yves safe because he's important to him. that's what it comes down to, isn't it? yves is important.
he doesn't like the feeling that finally nestles itself in him. ]
So you're staying for Yves. [ it feels stupid, saying something they both already know out loud and even to his own ears he doesn't sound like himself. like before though, jaejin needs to say it to really drive it home to himself. ] You ask me what I wanted. You let me pack. I waited for you.
[ he knows he's verging hysterical, but his heart hurts more than it did when vie looked his way and didn't recognize him. now he knows him and has all of his memories, and yet. when he moves from the couch, it's because he needs the space and he feels like he can't breathe. ]
Did you even think of me? When you were making the decision to stay, I mean. [ he knows the answer to that in his heart and he wants to hear it in vie's own words, his voice louder and more breathy than he'd like it to be. ] It didn't matter, did it? Once you saw what was in that envelope. Nothing in this room did.
no subject
I didn't do those things to hurt you, Jaejin. I wanted them too. I still want them. [ but the longer he lets everything sit, the more difficult it becomes to find a good answer that isn't going to hurt them both. vie frowns at the floor. ] I don't know how you could think that you don't matter to me.
[ except —
when had he ever proved his loyalty to him the same way he'd tried giving it to yves? asking jaejin to leave countless times isn't quite the same as staying in a marriage with a man he didn't even like, and now that he's tossing everything aside once more for the same person... vie knows what that looks like. he knows what it must feel like, but he can't leave it alone. whatever feelings he had for yves had died the moment he'd fallen in love with jaejin, and it pulls at his heart, threading his fingers together to keep his hands from shaking. ]
Of course I thought of you. But I thought about him, too. He's my friend. I owe him – [ he clenches his jaw. ] That part doesn't matter. Tell me what you would have done if you had been in my position. Would you have chosen differently?
no subject
Do you need my answer to justify it? [ his voice is tight, the hurt creeping in on his tone. ] Should I tell you I would have done the same thing if I was in your position? Would that change anything?
[ no matter what he does or how he tries to direct his focus, he can't stop thinking about how close they were to leaving, to finally being together, to vie being his. and it feels selfish because he knows vie is right in a lot of ways. ]
That part doesn't matter. [ parroted, but not unkindly. does it matter what he would have done? nothing he'd said before did. he keeps his gaze away from vie, keeps it on the floor in front of him. ] I know he's your friend and that you owe him. That's the part that matters.
no subject
vie crosses his arms over his chest instead. ]
Is that really what you believe? [ the words are soft, treading carefully in a way he's never done with jaejin. ] You make it sound as if you aren't part of this. That you don't matter.
[ and that hurts. it hurts him to the point that he has to squeeze his eyes shut and grit his teeth to keep the outburst from leaving him in a way he can't control. the stuttered breath he takes does nothing to calm the stress knotting up his stomach and causing every part of him to tense up. what else is he supposed to do? what could he do? there's a part of him that knows yves is laughing at him for being as stupid as he's always been, but it's not nearly as heartbreaking as jaejin's back to him. ]
I'm sorry. [ but his apology sounds weak. ] If I had given another answer, I might not have made it back here to tell you. And I'm not expecting you to understand, but I don't want you doing this. You're upset, I know. But I can't know what you're thinking unless you tell me.
[ how deep had he wounded him? ]
no subject
[ louder than he means for it to be and far too loud for the hour with walls as thin as his. it sounds so pathetic, but it's true. it doesn't stop him from wincing at the volume and the desperation in his voice, wishing it wasn't there. wishing again that he could rewind time to only a handful of days ago when he finally got vie back, when vie finally saw him again. ]
I don't think I'm part of this. I know I matter to you, but is it enough? In the end, I'm never going to be able to hold onto you. [ he doesn't want to acknowledge vie's apology. he wants to believe vie did what he thought was right and is standing by it — which he is, plain as day. there are things he's done today that he can't fault him for. ] You did your best, didn't you? You wanted us to have a clean break, to be safe and happy together. He just knew how to keep you.
[ because the threat of hurting yves will always be there and vie loves him. maybe this sickening feeling is jealousy, but jaejin isn't sure. he recognizes the heartbreak for what it is though, sharp and pin thin. ]
So you gave it up and chose Yves. That threat won't ever go away. A decade from now, it will still be there. I don't know what the right answer is. [ he swallows and tries to stay reasonable, tries to not lean into the anxiety and the panic and the pain. he isn't as good at it as he wants to be. ] But it might have been easier if you'd made that decision without remembering me. Instead, you saw me, knew me, and still chose someone else.
no subject
has it always been, he wonders. in the beginning, it had been nothing else except trying to help yves, to prove he could be more than someone who took and left while never giving anything back. but slowly, jaejin had filled in those gaps. he'd been vie's waking hours and his dreams, the only thing he'd ever really wanted for himself. he still does, and maybe that's why it bothers him, the sting in his eyes prominent as he blinks once before looking away.
jaejin hits him right where he's vulnerable too, mercilessly. should he have never remembered at all? could they have remained strangers, a wall of indifference separating them and the memories he hadn't had before. the sleepless nights, the love confessions, the urgency and fondness every time they kissed. he'd wanted to leave for him, but every time, jaejin had convinced him to stay. now, he can barely breathe with the thought that everything's unraveling and it had been his fault for being so careless. ]
You're saying that as if I knew this was going to happen. [ he bites it out, loud and defensive and pained. ] I have never wanted any part of this. This life or this family. Nothing about it was worth it until I met you.
[ vie pauses then, to swallow and press his fingertips just beneath his eyes like it will keep the tears from falling. his voice is quiet when he speaks. ]
I didn't choose him. [ it's almost as if he's convincing himself more than jaejin. ] If it had been you, I would have done the same thing – no hesitation. But maybe it doesn't make any difference. I don't know what a good decision is, so you should choose for me.
no subject
sunni was right, in the end. he was right about a lot of things. maybe this is just everything coming full circle. ]
I can't choose for you, Vie. If it had been me, we could have left. [ it's gentler this time, maybe because he knows they should be quieter because of the hour, or maybe because he can feel the fight bleeding out of him. he wouldn't have cared if they had to look over their shoulders for the rest of their lives, he doesn't think. at the end of the day, they would have been together. that should be what matters. ] We just need to do the best we can with this situation now. It was your dream, wasn't it? We can just go back to that plan.
[ if they do, vie will be free to make any decision he likes instead of the ones he feels he has to. he'll be free in every sense. jaejin doesn't know why he feels so hollowed out. ]
no subject
perhaps it's the softened lilt of jaejin's voice. maybe it's the words sitting between them and picking him apart little by little. vie can't place it, and he doesn't have the energy to, not when anger and disbelief are still far too tangible to him. he should say yes and agree with him, hope to salvage the parts of their relationship that are still intact. he should, but he can't because jaejin doesn't see things the way vie sees them. he really doesn't understand. ]
It's not my dream! [ and this time, he does snap at him. he can't breathe. ] No part of it was anything I wanted, Jaejin. None of it. I became complacent because I knew that as long as I was married, it might do something to soften the blow. You're the one I want you. I still want you. You're my dream. [ he can taste the tears now. he's so tired. ] But I can't let someone else die because of me, either.
I didn't want to live with that and be with you. It would have ruined whatever happiness we would have had, and you deserve more than that from me.
[ his guilt is an incredibly strong thing, perhaps stronger than even vie had known, and that, he thinks, is why he'd agreed to stay more than anything else. ]
no subject
if they'd left earlier without vie talking with sunni's father, he imagines someone would have still gotten hurt or worse. if he had an envelope full of yves, why wouldn't the amber house retaliate by killing him? if they had left and something had still happened to yves, vie would have never forgiven himself. And he knows vie is right, he knows he can't ask him to let someone die just so they can leave and have some kind of chance. it's selfish and it isn't him who deserves more than that, it's vie. ]
I know. I'm sorry.
[ he doesn't know what to say or where they should go from here. he doesn't even know what staying means for vie. sunni is gone and everything is a mess. he drops his gaze this time instead of turning away from him again, tries not to choke on the shame he feels for pushing vie this far and upsetting him this much. ]
I don't know what to do.
no subject
[ but even vie isn't sure how he'll manage to do that. he has no real allies outside the amber house, he has no friends. part of him wonders if he still has jaejin now, a direct trigger to the ache in his heart and the wetness rimming his eyes. jaejin's standing there like he's been scolded rather than hurt, and vie can't help feeling he's no better than his boss or any of the other people that had used him before. he had wanted him to feel safe and comfortable, but he's done nothing except hurt him.
vie takes the slightest step back and sits on the sofa again, torn on what to do. part of him wants to leave, but the selfish part of him wants to get on his knees in front of jaejin and beg him for forgiveness. he feels himself growing a little cold. ]
I'm sorry for making that choice, but you don't owe me anything.
no subject
crossing the distance between them, jaejin wedges himself between the sofa and coffee table easily, pressing his knees into the thin carpet and reaching for one of vie's hands before he can overthink it. if he pulls away, jaejin doesn't think he could blame him. for now, he wants to try. looking up at vie, he takes a few beats to get a grasp on anything he wants to say, his throat tight. everything just hurts. ]
Please, Vie. [ and apparently, he isn't above begging, though it's the first time he's done it since he got down on his knees in an attempt to convince his boss not to touch his parents. ] Aren't we in this together?
no subject
together should mean so much more than this. it should mean them leaving – maybe they still could, if vie is brave enough to think of it – and it should mean them never looking back at all of this. instead, they've been fumbling and grasping at each other for much too long. how much longer until one of them finally decides that it's enough? how much longer until one of them really does leave? vie can taste that fear even as he clings to jaejin's hand, squeezing at it like it's the only lifeline he has now. ]
I don't want to hurt you, [ he whispers, and it's worse somehow, saying it out loud. ] But I keep doing it. How could you want that after what I've done to you?
no subject
he rests his other hand over vie's, holds it in a grip tighter than he would usually. he knows what he looks like on his knees, hates that it's the second time he's been on them in the last day, but he knows more than anything that he'd even crawl on glass for vie. ]
You try your best. You don't ever mean to. You're my dream too. You're the only dream I've let myself have. [ that he can remember, that is. he's sure he had a real dream as a child, but everything is so muddle that he can't parse his own childhood from the others he's taken. ] Please let me help you.
no subject
he can't even find his voice to answer right away, shifting forward to hide his face against jaejin's shoulder as his breath hitches; then, he cries. his free hand tangles itself in jaejin's shirt, pulling and twisting until he's caught in it, and he doesn't care how awkward it might be or what kind of strain it puts on his already sore backside. he needs this. he's needed jaejin since he'd left him to face the consequences of someone else's actions, and he'd needed him before he'd walked through that door. but he can't be selfish enough to accept jaejin helping him if it means hurting him—or worse, killing him. he'd never survive it. he'd never forgive himself ]
I don't know why I said yes, [ he breathes, the words watery and muffled. ] I don't know how you can help me. I just – I'm so scared, Jaejin. I can't protect you anymore.
no subject
he can't even take him away from all of this without there being collateral damage and he could never do that to him. ]
You said yes because it was the right thing to do. You just want to protect him, Vie. [ even if it hurts. jaejin doesn't know what kind of deal vie made, but he knows what sunni told him. ] You don't have to protect me. Let me protect you. I don't know how yet, but I will. I'm going to keep you safe.
no subject
yves is going to laugh at him and kick him out onto the street for doing this. ]
I really don't know if I did anything except hurt you. [ it's what he believes, and even the quiet parts of him know it's true. ] You keep trusting me, and I break that trust every time I leave you. Protecting me will only make it worse.
[ no matter how much he wants it. ]