[ closing his eyes at the sound of vie's voice, jaejin rolls over onto his back, slinging an arm across his eyes and taking a moment to let it sink into him. even only hearing his voice, he knows his choices have narrowed down to trying to find another solution, that he can't push him away again. he thoughts as much, but the confirmation is jarring just the same.
there's a too long gap of silence before he speaks up again. he's glad he's at least prone, feels a bit too dizzy to move too much. ]
He wants me to end things with you, but I can't. I don't want to live without you. [ the breath he lets out is too harsh then. ] I can't even protect you. I can't even fight for you.
[ sitting in a chair, vie waits for something to happen. he waits for jaejin to speak, caught in that silence and eventually parting his lips to say something else when it begins. the root of the problem is what he should have expected, what he should have anticipated better because he hasn't been careful with his relationship with jaejin. vie shouldn't have allowed sunni to ever touch jaejin, to ever know about him, and his lips thin as he drags a hand through his hair, trying to reach for some kind of composure.
at the moment, all he wants to do is wring sunni's neck. ]
Jaejin – [ he breathes, wishing he could hold him. ] I know those things aren't true. You protect me every day. You fight for me every day. I promise you nothing is going to happen. [ a pause. ] Where are you right now? Are you safe?
[ the reassurance makes him frown, makes his chest feel like it might cave in at any moment. vie always takes such good care of him, more so than he probably deserves. he always knows what to say, how to make things better. his first response is just a quiet noise, something in the back of his throat. vie wouldn't lie to him, not even to make him feel better, but it's still difficult to believe.
he's too drunk for this. ]
That's not true. Besides, he said he'd do it if I don't. [ ambiguous at best, but he leaves it at that. the rest... well, vie is trying to look after him. it's best to keep him from worrying too much. ] I'm fine, promise. I'm just at home.
[ all he can do is sigh at what he says, loud enough that he knows jaejin can hear him. ]
If you believe that, then what do you want to do? You said you weren't going to end things, but that's what this feels like. Tell me I'm wrong.
[ worse, vie knows he shouldn't be angry at jaejin. he's softer than anyone else he's ever known, but there haven't been many genuine people in his life, even when he'd been young. No parents, no friends. The only one he'd ever known had created this monster inside of him, one that still continued to seek out an end to something that vie himself hasn't wanted in a long time, and now that he's put jaejin at risk, it makes him feel incredibly selfish. he'd done this to them, and somehow, he had to fix it. ]
[ vie's upset and he should have known he would be, even intoxicated. somehow it still pulls the rug out from under him and jaejin is left silent for a few moments, listening to the quiet on the other end of the line and his rabbit fast heartbeat. before he called him, he should have had some sort of plan, been thoughtful enough to know how they might be able to fix this. ]
I wanted to find a way around it. [ he knows it's the alcohol that makes him feel small, that makes everything about this sting, his nerves raw. he's trying to be open and it's not working well, his thoughts a jumbled mess. ] But now I want to sleep this off before I try to talk more about this.
Is that why you wanted to run? [ it's odd how such a suggestion coming from jaejin leaves him stranded. every time vie himself had suggested it, jaejin had been the one to refuse. ] That isn't the only option we have. I wish you had said something sooner.
[ because how long has this been something he's known about? vie isn't certain, and there's no real way of knowing unless jaejin tells him. and he suddenly finds himself far more annoyed than usual, biting the tip of his tongue to keep everything else he wants to say from surfacing. planning will only get him so far, which means he needs to face sunni directly and force his hand somehow. he would have never thought to do it before, but for jaejin, he'd cut sunni's throat and not think twice about it.
It's only been three days. I have until the end of the week.
[ and it had taken him that long to work up the courage to say anything, still needing the extra help. it feels like a misstep, more so confirming some of the thoughts that always linger in the back of his mind than anything else. he should be able to handle sunni himself. vie had told him he shouldn't be worried about anything he could do.
but the timing had been off and watching vie drop and not being able to do anything and then following it up with that conversation... he squeezes his eyes closed tight, still covered by his arm. ]
[ to say that he isn't happy is an understatement, but he still ends the call telling jaejin that he loves him. like it might help ease the burn that's slowly consuming them both.
and after that, vie cannot sleep. he stays up the majority of the night trying to piece together a plan that feels as foolish as it sounds. all he can think about is seeing sunni, though he decides to put that off until he can get a better understanding of jaejin's feelings about all of this. so, when it's early enough to be somewhat reasonable, he leaves for jaejin's apartment. vie stops at a cafe for a light breakfast suitable to someone with a potential hangover and lets himself in with the key he'd been given once he arrives.
the smell of alcohol isn't overwhelming, but it's noticeable once he's close enough to jaejin, disliking how he hadn't even made it to bed. he kneels down next to him, knuckles gently brushing his cheek. ]
Jaejin. [ he smooths his hair away from his face. ] Let's get you to bed. Come on.
[ after they'd hung up, jaejin had rolled back onto his side, watched two more movies that had been playing on television without really watching them at all, trying not to feel like he'd swallowed something awful. he's not sure when he'd fallen asleep, but when he wakes it's to the careful slide of fingers against one cheek, the other still pressed against the floor.
and a splitting headache, which he immediately discovers when he opens his eyes to look at vie. he doesn't know what time it is, but the light filtering through the curtains in sharp shards makes him believe it has to be morning at the very least. he pushes himself up so he can sit properly, quickly enough it's like ripping a band-aid off and sucking in a breath at the way the room spins and his head pounds.
this isn't his first time waking up on the floor of his apartment. he should probably buy a rug. ]
I'm okay. I just need to sit here for a second. [ said as he closes his eyes again, voice airy and quiet. he rubs at his eyes as if it might help, looking at vie after, expression softening. no matter how drunk he was last night, he still remembers their conversation. ] I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things to you.
[ at the very least, he's grateful he's not an empath.
just the look on jaejin's face when he sits up is telling enough, deciding that if he doesn't want to go to bed that vie is going to join him on the floor. he sits close to him, ignoring the urge to wrap an arm around him and taking his unoccupied hand instead. there is so much he wants to say, but he doesn't think now is the proper time, not when they're both at the opposite end of prepared. on top of that, vie is exhausted from having slept so little, and jaejin can't feel too good after whatever had happened last night. for a moment, he says nothing and strokes his thumb over his knuckles and fingers. ]
We don't need to talk about it now. I came to take care of you.
[ because he can never help himself when it comes to him, thinking about the neatly packaged food he'd brought and wondering if water and some sleep would help them more. slowly, vie succumbs to the urge and draws him in with an arm, partially embracing him so that he has somewhere to rest his head if he wants. ]
I should have been here after our call last night, but I had to think. I'm not angry at you.
[ jaejin is closing his eyes again before he can't stop himself, focusing now on the feeling of his hand in vie's, even if he isn't trying to lace their fingers like he might otherwise. he's glad he remembers last night, if only because of how their conversation had gone. if it had come back to him in scattered pieces, it might have been worse. it still doesn't feel right, vie trying to take care of him even now.
he lets out a breath, thinks about how awful he must smell as he lets himself tip into him. ]
I was safe and you were upset. You'd have every right to be angry at me if you were. It wasn't fair of me to put that on you, especially not that way.
[ since he has a tendency to believe that vie can make anything better, that all something bad takes is vie's touch and it's suddenly good instead. it's too much to put on someone, too heavy. he can't even articulate himself well enough. ]
[ regardless of how permeated jaejin is in whatever he drank, vie presses close and holds him even closer. this much he can do, and it's a reminder that this is what he fights for. this is what he's going to tear sunni down for, and after that, it's what he's building a different future for. he's so lucky to have found this feeling, to have found jaejin. it might put them at odds with the world, but it doesn't matter when they're both still alive and together. it's really all they should care about, in the end. ]
Some part of me was. At least for a while. [ because he hadn't told him immediately, and that, in turn, had hurt his feelings. ] But I understand why. You think you can protect me from everything. We need to protect one another, Jaejin. I would never let anything happen to you.
[ he turns his head then, pressing a kiss to jaejin's temple. ]
There is always a solution. It just takes time to figure out what it is.
[ even with as far gone as he was last night, he still knew vie was upset with him. he knows he's a mess, knows vie shouldn't have to find him curled up on the floor and smelling of alcohol, not when his apartment is meant to be more of a safe haven for him. he loves him so much it makes his chest ache and his throat tight. ]
I want to be better about talking with you about these things, Vie. It was just after you'd gotten out of the hospital, when you didn't know what happened. [ when neither one of them knew what happened. he lets out a sigh, soft and careful just in case the room decides to spin again, his head still pounding. ] I'm not sure I can protect you from anything.
[ he does his best not to sigh, knowing that both of them have been through too much in the last week. most of it has been on him, he realizes, and that makes the situation worse. vie still doesn't have many answers to explain what had happened, though he figures it will make itself known eventually. if someone is keen on killing him or has made him a target, then it won't be long before that particular mystery is resolved.
instead of dwelling on it deeply, vie kisses jaejin's temple again. ]
Perhaps it might not seem like much, but you've protected me from myself more than I ever could have. That's important to me. [ otherwise, he wouldn't have cared one way or another if he'd lived as long as he'd brought the entire city to its knees. ] So you shouldn't think like that. I promise you – we'll get through this. You only need to trust me.
[ for now, though, all vie wants to do is take care of him. ]
[ vie is right and jaejin knows it. he needs to start ignoring sunni, but it's difficult when he feeds him everything he thinks about himself on a silver platter. it's something familiar, something years of experience has taught him. it's easy to play dead, to bare his throat and accept it all. with another sigh, he reaches up to skirt fingers against vie's shoulder before he eases back, the touch meant to be comforting. ]
I know we will. I do trust you. I love you.
[ even if they're stuck in this limbo and things never really change. he could live with sunni at his heels so long as vie is safe and they can be together every now and then. vie is worth every second of it. he just needs to get his shit together and cope with it better. ]
[ he should say more, but what else is there to say? he's exhausted, and jaejin is hungover. they can discuss it more at a time that isn't so inconvenienced by that. ]
I love you too. [ vie gently rubs at his side as he looks at him. then, he shakes his head. ] I brought you some. And food. I wasn't sure how you would be feeling.
[ and despite the fact he wants to stay where he is and hold jaejin, he knows it's better to do that elsewhere. slowly, he pulls away from him and stands, leaning in a way he can gently grip jaejin's wrists and help him to his feet. even then, vie doesn't stray too far. if he feels sick or cannot stand too well, he'll blame it on both the alcohol and sleeping on the floor. still, vie tries to comfort him with another kiss, urging him to rest against him if he needs to. ]
Do you want to sleep more? We could do that together.
[ more than anything, he feels wrung out. it becomes more apparent when he ambles to his feet with vie's help, unsteady for a moment, but able to keep himself from swaying into him. he tries not to think of how ridiculous it is that he did this to himself, how unnecessary it was, hoping to shelve it for later when he can revisit it by his lonesome like he always does.
but he still returns the kiss to the corner of vie's mouth, conscious of how disgusting it would probably be for him to actually kiss him at the moment. with a breath, slow against the pressure in his head, he nods and hooks his pinky around vie's, starting very carefully for the bedroom. ]
Let's sleep. [ because even in his haze he can tell vie is tired, blurry around the edges. first, though: ] Let me shower before. You don't need to cuddle up with me like this.
[ this is what he believes their lives should be like. taking care of each other, crawling into bed and falling asleep together. it's what vie wants more than anything else, but he'll settle for this for now, catching the kiss jaejin presses to the corner of his mouth with a tilt of his head to deepen it. he can certainly taste the alcohol this time, and still, he tips his chin to kiss him again before nodding, trying not to smile at the careful way their fingers hook together.
everything about this man he would die for. there is no mistaking that. ]
I think you're beautiful, my darling. [ but more of that can come later when they're in bed. ] Can you stand in there on your own? How's your head?
[ of course he worries, doing his best to gauge how he feels as they make it into the bedroom. whatever jaejin needs he will do, but vie has to be certain to press him with that knowledge so he doesn't try to do everything on his own. not anymore. not when things are already so delicate as it is. ]
[ it's always so difficult not to get caught up in the way vie kisses him, the way it somehow balances out how terrible he feels with something so nice, so perfect. even if he leans after him just a little, it still leaves him pressing his lips together, something of a close cousin of a smile tugging quietly at the corner of his lips.
he wishes they could stay like this, just the two of them. wishes there wasn't anything else they had to worry about. he doesn't think things will ever be so simple and maybe that's what pushes him to press close to vie for a moment, tucking his face into the crook of his neck to steady himself again, pinky loose around his. ]
It hurts, but I can still stand. If it becomes a problem, I'll just sit down for a little bit.
[ he holds him close and steady, soaking up his warmth and the knowledge that they're still together. perhaps vie should soothe whatever worries he might have of this ending in less than seven days, but he will later. preferably when they're wrapped up together in bed. instead, he smooths his fingers through jaejin's hair and nuzzles him just slightly. they can have even more of this soon, and then, he won't have to worry about trying to keep him on his feet. ]
Don't take too long. I'll find something for your headache, and if you need me, I'll be here.
[ vie doesn't want to part with him, but he does eventually, certain he's safe in the bathroom before leaving him to his own devices. in the interim, he arranges things in the bedroom, turning the bed down and having everything they need nearby. then, he sits and waits, sending a message to sunni that they're going to meet later and talk. vie won't specify what and purposely leaves him on read when he responds because there's someone far more important he wants to spend time with right now. ]
[ jaejin doesn't take terribly long in the bathroom, but he does move significantly slower than he would usually, taking care not to aggravate his headache too much. thankfully, he doesn't need to sit down at any point, only taking an extra moment to let the warm water pull some of the tension from his shoulders. he's sore, but again, that's his own fault for sleeping on the floor instead of in his bed. once he dries himself off, he tugs on the baggy shirt and loose pair of boxers he brought with him and makes sure to brush his teeth, tired of reeking of alcohol.
when he looks in the mirror, he frowns at the darkness rimming his eyes, paying little mind to the damps ends of his hair. if last night and this morning has taught him anything, it's that he needs to stop defaulting to drinking when he feels powerless.
returning to vie in the bedroom, he perches on the bed next to him, leaning against his side and resting his head on his shoulder, quiet. after a moment, he reaches for one of vie's hands, slips his fingers against his and holds it. he doesn't say anything just yet, just takes the opportunity to enjoy his presence and allow himself to be clingy for possibly the first time. ]
[ he loves the way jaejin holds his hand. the intimacy of it, the lock of their fingers—he doesn't know if he'll ever tire of it. vie gives him what he needs without saying anything, pressing into him just enough to offer what reassurance he can with their proximity. then, slowly, he turns to kiss his damp hair while giving his hand a squeeze. if more could be said without actually saying anything, they wouldn't be in this mess they're in. they could live together without any other worries aside from the normal ones of life, and he wouldn't be married to anyone but jaejin. this could be their home.
vie lifts their hands and kisses the tender inside of jaejin's wrist. ]
Relax, my love. I'll hold you until you fall asleep.
[ there's no need to think about the previous night or the conversation they'd had. there's no need to tell him exactly what he's going to do because of it, shifting backwards onto the bed and urging jaejin to follow so he can spoon him from behind. once they're settled, he kisses the back of his neck and curls his arm around him. his voice is low as he murmurs, ] I'm never going to leave you. [ not as long as he has breath in his body. ]
[ the warmth of the water had nothing on vie, really. the breath jaejin lets out this time is one he almost didn't realize he was holding, something too much like relief at the reassurance. it isn't something he's used to actively seeking, unsure if it would just be another bit of added pressure. even before they're curled together, before he's secure against vie's chest, it feels better.
it won't be perfect, not really, but this moment is theirs and jaejin wants to keep it close. doing his best to push thoughts of everything else from his mind, he draws vie's hand higher, holds it against his heart. ]
Please.
[ because he doesn't know what else to say and even that feels just a bit raw. if their days together are numbered, he wants to keep him as close as possible, wants to fight for him and for this. the ache that starts in his chest only reminds him to enjoy this and he shuts his eyes, holds onto vie's hand. ]
[ vie doesn't know how to staunch this wound, how to convince jaejin that nothing is going to happen as long as he believes it to be so. sunni isn't a particularly big worry on his part; he does this, he'd told him. he tries to scratch down below the surface and tear things apart because he'd never really been happy about their arrangement or their marriage. his father had seen to it after learning of vie's ability, thought it useful in the scheme of things, and there had been a far darker one-sided attraction vie had used to secure his place. now, he thinks, none of that matters. none of it has since his feelings for jaejin had erupted into something real.
he feels it when jaejin whispers that word, when he begs him for something he doesn't need to specify. he knows. he's always known, and he clings to it almost as desperately as he pushes against him, dragging jaejin back to squeeze him close in an embrace so tight it would eventually grow uncomfortable. his lips brush jaejin's neck, the curve of his shoulder. ]
You are mine, always. Nothing will ever change that. [ his voice grows softer. ] Please don't worry.
[ it doesn't put an end to it, not really, but jaejin doubts there's really anything that would. he thinks, in a way, he's been wary of losing vie since they crossed paths and it has only intensified over the time they've spent together. this past week has been particularly rough in that regard, seeing vie crumple to the ground, waiting in the hospital with no news. trying to field sunni and failing, just as usual. he wants to believe everything will be fine. he wants to believe vie more than anything.
it's what makes him hold tighter to his hand, tuck back into his embrace. it might be too much later, but it's what he needs now and vie always seems to know. at the brush of his lips, jaejin presses his face against the pillow, letting it somewhat muffle the harsh breath his words draw from him. ]
I can't promise I won't. [ the truth, if nothing else. ] But I believe in you. No matter what happens, my entire heart is yours. It doesn't belong to me anymore.
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there's a too long gap of silence before he speaks up again. he's glad he's at least prone, feels a bit too dizzy to move too much. ]
He wants me to end things with you, but I can't. I don't want to live without you. [ the breath he lets out is too harsh then. ] I can't even protect you. I can't even fight for you.
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at the moment, all he wants to do is wring sunni's neck. ]
Jaejin – [ he breathes, wishing he could hold him. ] I know those things aren't true. You protect me every day. You fight for me every day. I promise you nothing is going to happen. [ a pause. ] Where are you right now? Are you safe?
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he's too drunk for this. ]
That's not true. Besides, he said he'd do it if I don't. [ ambiguous at best, but he leaves it at that. the rest... well, vie is trying to look after him. it's best to keep him from worrying too much. ] I'm fine, promise. I'm just at home.
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If you believe that, then what do you want to do? You said you weren't going to end things, but that's what this feels like. Tell me I'm wrong.
[ worse, vie knows he shouldn't be angry at jaejin. he's softer than anyone else he's ever known, but there haven't been many genuine people in his life, even when he'd been young. No parents, no friends. The only one he'd ever known had created this monster inside of him, one that still continued to seek out an end to something that vie himself hasn't wanted in a long time, and now that he's put jaejin at risk, it makes him feel incredibly selfish. he'd done this to them, and somehow, he had to fix it. ]
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I wanted to find a way around it. [ he knows it's the alcohol that makes him feel small, that makes everything about this sting, his nerves raw. he's trying to be open and it's not working well, his thoughts a jumbled mess. ] But now I want to sleep this off before I try to talk more about this.
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[ because how long has this been something he's known about? vie isn't certain, and there's no real way of knowing unless jaejin tells him. and he suddenly finds himself far more annoyed than usual, biting the tip of his tongue to keep everything else he wants to say from surfacing. planning will only get him so far, which means he needs to face sunni directly and force his hand somehow. he would have never thought to do it before, but for jaejin, he'd cut sunni's throat and not think twice about it.
he closes his eyes, holds his breath. ]
Then sleep. We can see each other tomorrow.
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[ and it had taken him that long to work up the courage to say anything, still needing the extra help. it feels like a misstep, more so confirming some of the thoughts that always linger in the back of his mind than anything else. he should be able to handle sunni himself. vie had told him he shouldn't be worried about anything he could do.
but the timing had been off and watching vie drop and not being able to do anything and then following it up with that conversation... he squeezes his eyes closed tight, still covered by his arm. ]
I'll talk with you later.
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and after that, vie cannot sleep. he stays up the majority of the night trying to piece together a plan that feels as foolish as it sounds. all he can think about is seeing sunni, though he decides to put that off until he can get a better understanding of jaejin's feelings about all of this. so, when it's early enough to be somewhat reasonable, he leaves for jaejin's apartment. vie stops at a cafe for a light breakfast suitable to someone with a potential hangover and lets himself in with the key he'd been given once he arrives.
the smell of alcohol isn't overwhelming, but it's noticeable once he's close enough to jaejin, disliking how he hadn't even made it to bed. he kneels down next to him, knuckles gently brushing his cheek. ]
Jaejin. [ he smooths his hair away from his face. ] Let's get you to bed. Come on.
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and a splitting headache, which he immediately discovers when he opens his eyes to look at vie. he doesn't know what time it is, but the light filtering through the curtains in sharp shards makes him believe it has to be morning at the very least. he pushes himself up so he can sit properly, quickly enough it's like ripping a band-aid off and sucking in a breath at the way the room spins and his head pounds.
this isn't his first time waking up on the floor of his apartment. he should probably buy a rug. ]
I'm okay. I just need to sit here for a second. [ said as he closes his eyes again, voice airy and quiet. he rubs at his eyes as if it might help, looking at vie after, expression softening. no matter how drunk he was last night, he still remembers their conversation. ] I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things to you.
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just the look on jaejin's face when he sits up is telling enough, deciding that if he doesn't want to go to bed that vie is going to join him on the floor. he sits close to him, ignoring the urge to wrap an arm around him and taking his unoccupied hand instead. there is so much he wants to say, but he doesn't think now is the proper time, not when they're both at the opposite end of prepared. on top of that, vie is exhausted from having slept so little, and jaejin can't feel too good after whatever had happened last night. for a moment, he says nothing and strokes his thumb over his knuckles and fingers. ]
We don't need to talk about it now. I came to take care of you.
[ because he can never help himself when it comes to him, thinking about the neatly packaged food he'd brought and wondering if water and some sleep would help them more. slowly, vie succumbs to the urge and draws him in with an arm, partially embracing him so that he has somewhere to rest his head if he wants. ]
I should have been here after our call last night, but I had to think. I'm not angry at you.
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he lets out a breath, thinks about how awful he must smell as he lets himself tip into him. ]
I was safe and you were upset. You'd have every right to be angry at me if you were. It wasn't fair of me to put that on you, especially not that way.
[ since he has a tendency to believe that vie can make anything better, that all something bad takes is vie's touch and it's suddenly good instead. it's too much to put on someone, too heavy. he can't even articulate himself well enough. ]
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Some part of me was. At least for a while. [ because he hadn't told him immediately, and that, in turn, had hurt his feelings. ] But I understand why. You think you can protect me from everything. We need to protect one another, Jaejin. I would never let anything happen to you.
[ he turns his head then, pressing a kiss to jaejin's temple. ]
There is always a solution. It just takes time to figure out what it is.
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[ even with as far gone as he was last night, he still knew vie was upset with him. he knows he's a mess, knows vie shouldn't have to find him curled up on the floor and smelling of alcohol, not when his apartment is meant to be more of a safe haven for him. he loves him so much it makes his chest ache and his throat tight. ]
I want to be better about talking with you about these things, Vie. It was just after you'd gotten out of the hospital, when you didn't know what happened. [ when neither one of them knew what happened. he lets out a sigh, soft and careful just in case the room decides to spin again, his head still pounding. ] I'm not sure I can protect you from anything.
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instead of dwelling on it deeply, vie kisses jaejin's temple again. ]
Perhaps it might not seem like much, but you've protected me from myself more than I ever could have. That's important to me. [ otherwise, he wouldn't have cared one way or another if he'd lived as long as he'd brought the entire city to its knees. ] So you shouldn't think like that. I promise you – we'll get through this. You only need to trust me.
[ for now, though, all vie wants to do is take care of him. ]
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I know we will. I do trust you. I love you.
[ even if they're stuck in this limbo and things never really change. he could live with sunni at his heels so long as vie is safe and they can be together every now and then. vie is worth every second of it. he just needs to get his shit together and cope with it better. ]
Would you like some coffee? I could make us some.
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I love you too. [ vie gently rubs at his side as he looks at him. then, he shakes his head. ] I brought you some. And food. I wasn't sure how you would be feeling.
[ and despite the fact he wants to stay where he is and hold jaejin, he knows it's better to do that elsewhere. slowly, he pulls away from him and stands, leaning in a way he can gently grip jaejin's wrists and help him to his feet. even then, vie doesn't stray too far. if he feels sick or cannot stand too well, he'll blame it on both the alcohol and sleeping on the floor. still, vie tries to comfort him with another kiss, urging him to rest against him if he needs to. ]
Do you want to sleep more? We could do that together.
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[ more than anything, he feels wrung out. it becomes more apparent when he ambles to his feet with vie's help, unsteady for a moment, but able to keep himself from swaying into him. he tries not to think of how ridiculous it is that he did this to himself, how unnecessary it was, hoping to shelve it for later when he can revisit it by his lonesome like he always does.
but he still returns the kiss to the corner of vie's mouth, conscious of how disgusting it would probably be for him to actually kiss him at the moment. with a breath, slow against the pressure in his head, he nods and hooks his pinky around vie's, starting very carefully for the bedroom. ]
Let's sleep. [ because even in his haze he can tell vie is tired, blurry around the edges. first, though: ] Let me shower before. You don't need to cuddle up with me like this.
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everything about this man he would die for. there is no mistaking that. ]
I think you're beautiful, my darling. [ but more of that can come later when they're in bed. ] Can you stand in there on your own? How's your head?
[ of course he worries, doing his best to gauge how he feels as they make it into the bedroom. whatever jaejin needs he will do, but vie has to be certain to press him with that knowledge so he doesn't try to do everything on his own. not anymore. not when things are already so delicate as it is. ]
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he wishes they could stay like this, just the two of them. wishes there wasn't anything else they had to worry about. he doesn't think things will ever be so simple and maybe that's what pushes him to press close to vie for a moment, tucking his face into the crook of his neck to steady himself again, pinky loose around his. ]
It hurts, but I can still stand. If it becomes a problem, I'll just sit down for a little bit.
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Don't take too long. I'll find something for your headache, and if you need me, I'll be here.
[ vie doesn't want to part with him, but he does eventually, certain he's safe in the bathroom before leaving him to his own devices. in the interim, he arranges things in the bedroom, turning the bed down and having everything they need nearby. then, he sits and waits, sending a message to sunni that they're going to meet later and talk. vie won't specify what and purposely leaves him on read when he responds because there's someone far more important he wants to spend time with right now. ]
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when he looks in the mirror, he frowns at the darkness rimming his eyes, paying little mind to the damps ends of his hair. if last night and this morning has taught him anything, it's that he needs to stop defaulting to drinking when he feels powerless.
returning to vie in the bedroom, he perches on the bed next to him, leaning against his side and resting his head on his shoulder, quiet. after a moment, he reaches for one of vie's hands, slips his fingers against his and holds it. he doesn't say anything just yet, just takes the opportunity to enjoy his presence and allow himself to be clingy for possibly the first time. ]
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vie lifts their hands and kisses the tender inside of jaejin's wrist. ]
Relax, my love. I'll hold you until you fall asleep.
[ there's no need to think about the previous night or the conversation they'd had. there's no need to tell him exactly what he's going to do because of it, shifting backwards onto the bed and urging jaejin to follow so he can spoon him from behind. once they're settled, he kisses the back of his neck and curls his arm around him. his voice is low as he murmurs, ] I'm never going to leave you. [ not as long as he has breath in his body. ]
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it won't be perfect, not really, but this moment is theirs and jaejin wants to keep it close. doing his best to push thoughts of everything else from his mind, he draws vie's hand higher, holds it against his heart. ]
Please.
[ because he doesn't know what else to say and even that feels just a bit raw. if their days together are numbered, he wants to keep him as close as possible, wants to fight for him and for this. the ache that starts in his chest only reminds him to enjoy this and he shuts his eyes, holds onto vie's hand. ]
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he feels it when jaejin whispers that word, when he begs him for something he doesn't need to specify. he knows. he's always known, and he clings to it almost as desperately as he pushes against him, dragging jaejin back to squeeze him close in an embrace so tight it would eventually grow uncomfortable. his lips brush jaejin's neck, the curve of his shoulder. ]
You are mine, always. Nothing will ever change that. [ his voice grows softer. ] Please don't worry.
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it's what makes him hold tighter to his hand, tuck back into his embrace. it might be too much later, but it's what he needs now and vie always seems to know. at the brush of his lips, jaejin presses his face against the pillow, letting it somewhat muffle the harsh breath his words draw from him. ]
I can't promise I won't. [ the truth, if nothing else. ] But I believe in you. No matter what happens, my entire heart is yours. It doesn't belong to me anymore.
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