[ it feels like such a small thing to ask for, but somehow still verging too much. the silence worries him, his heart climbing into his throat and making its home there. it's been so long since they've been intimate like that, so maybe it's too much at once, but as jaejin primes some reassurance that they don't need to do anything else, that they could even just do it in the sink instead, vie finally speaks up and he lets out a breath.
he just hopes his anxiety over it isn't too obvious in his expression. it helps when vie presses his lips to his knuckles, quiets more than just a little of his worries over it. he can only hope this is a step in a good direction. hope that if they can be physically intimate, even only sweetly, that they can work on salvaging the rest of it. ]
Shouldn't I be thanking you? [ he can't help but give vie's hand a gentle squeeze. ] Even if it takes a few days, I just want it to be something we both want. I hope you know you don't owe me anything.
[ all he wants is to reassure him. there hasn't been much of that lately, aside from the card he'd given him on his birthday, and even that had felt lackluster in comparison to the things vie still feels. being here with jaejin should be a good thing; it shouldn't be weighed down by the past or the things they're currently running from. he especially doesn't want to continue pulling away from jaejin when this is clearly something they both need. so, still as gentle as before, vie turns their hands and kisses the tender inside of jaejin's wrist. ]
I don't want to be close to you because I think I owe you something. [ he believes he does regardless but not in that way. the smile he gives him is quiet. ] I miss you, Jaejin. Not so much physically, I suppose, though I do miss that too. But everything else. [ did that make sense to him? it probably doesn't, and vie sighs under his breath, moving even closer to him. ] I miss the little things. So giving you what you need is just as much about me as it is about you.
[ because he couldn't imagine his life without him now, and he wonders how he's survived this long without him. how he'd gotten this tangled up in his own plans to not realize that someone worth the sacrifices had been so close to him all this time without vie ever knowing it until they'd met. it's a heavy thought, but it doesn't translate into the way he looks at him, lifting his other hand to lightly touch his thumb to the jut of jaejin's chin like he's thinking about kissing him. ]
[ to jaejin, being here is a lot like being at back at his apartment with vie. there are differences, of course, but the feeling is similar. it's like they took everything with them and maybe part of him was still thinking something as raw and uncomfortable as murder would fix part of it. instead, even in the quiet of this morning and the warmth of vie, it almost feels like expecting that only tainted it.
somehow, vie still misses him and can even smile at him, however small it is. jaejin finds himself returning it, only stopping himself from looking away again because of the way vie touches his chin. ]
I miss you too. [ it isn't that difficult of a confession. he misses vie in nearly every sense, almost like he lost a limb. he sighs and presses his lips together, considering what he wants to say next. ] I want anything I ask for to benefit you too. I know things are different now and they might not be the same again, but I hope they can still be something good.
[ it's a tender question, sliding his thumb along jaejin's jawline before dropping his hand away. his fingers are still in his, and he doesn't let him go, only turning his head slightly to glance at the curtains of the balcony doors across the room before looking at him again. ]
Whatever you ask for shouldn't benefit me. They are your needs, not mine. I'm not going to be mad or upset with you because of that. [ vie isn't even sure jaejin would think that, but he has to say it. ] I want you to be honest. That's the only way things might ever return to being how they used to be between us.
[ because he misses that too—desperately. vie doesn't know how to articulate that well, only wishes to show it, and it's why he folds his other hand over jaejin's and gives it a reassuring squeeze. or hopes that it feels that way. they've never been so brutally open with one another before, and it's brought more discomfort and pain than it should. and besides, they can't operate the way they used to; too much has happened for it to ever be entirely the same, but vie hopes it will get better. he has to believe it will. ]
[ vie's hand slips away and jaejin feels disappointed at the loss of it, the loss of the possibilities it held, his eyes dropping to their hands instead. everything feels so jammed up, the pressure in his chest building to a steady ache, and he tries to focus on brushing the side of vie's hand with the pad of his thumb. it's one of the few times he thinks vie is wrong, really. he doesn't know that things will ever return to how they used to be. ]
Is it really so dependent on my honesty? [ quiet, but it's just the two of them and his voice doesn't need to be any louder. maybe he is responsible for it, this distance and the hurt between them. it's a lot of pressure. ] Do you think they will? Return to how they used to be between us, I mean.
[ he knows he's pessimistic at the best of times, puts too much faith in fragile things. perhaps that's why he always breaks bones in the fall. he swallows against the lump in his throat. ]
[ it's not the tone of jaejin's voice that gets to him but the question itself. if jaejin has no hope, how can he carry it all himself? could he? he doesn't know, but he's not the kind of person to give up until he's exhausted every option available to him. vie hasn't even started, not really. that jaejin has to ask such things makes him realize he hasn't been trying hard enough.
the sting is barely there as he slips his hands free to lean forward and cup jaejin's face. it gives him a brief moment to examine his cheeks, the faint color under his eyes and the depth of affection and doubt he sees when he gazes at him directly. there is so much more he could say, but he needs this more than he would like to admit, drawing in a careful breath before drawing jaejin forward so he can kiss him. it's not soft or deep, just a firm press of their mouths that seems to melt every hesitation he has into nothing. once he parts to breathe, he brushes their lips together again and lets their noses bump. ]
I love you. [ another kiss, and he gently combs his fingers up into jaejin's hair. ] I will do everything I possibly can to make sure we get there. That's my promise to you. [ one he isn't going to break. ] Will you help me? I think that's really all it's dependent upon now.
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he just hopes his anxiety over it isn't too obvious in his expression. it helps when vie presses his lips to his knuckles, quiets more than just a little of his worries over it. he can only hope this is a step in a good direction. hope that if they can be physically intimate, even only sweetly, that they can work on salvaging the rest of it. ]
Shouldn't I be thanking you? [ he can't help but give vie's hand a gentle squeeze. ] Even if it takes a few days, I just want it to be something we both want. I hope you know you don't owe me anything.
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I don't want to be close to you because I think I owe you something. [ he believes he does regardless but not in that way. the smile he gives him is quiet. ] I miss you, Jaejin. Not so much physically, I suppose, though I do miss that too. But everything else. [ did that make sense to him? it probably doesn't, and vie sighs under his breath, moving even closer to him. ] I miss the little things. So giving you what you need is just as much about me as it is about you.
[ because he couldn't imagine his life without him now, and he wonders how he's survived this long without him. how he'd gotten this tangled up in his own plans to not realize that someone worth the sacrifices had been so close to him all this time without vie ever knowing it until they'd met. it's a heavy thought, but it doesn't translate into the way he looks at him, lifting his other hand to lightly touch his thumb to the jut of jaejin's chin like he's thinking about kissing him. ]
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somehow, vie still misses him and can even smile at him, however small it is. jaejin finds himself returning it, only stopping himself from looking away again because of the way vie touches his chin. ]
I miss you too. [ it isn't that difficult of a confession. he misses vie in nearly every sense, almost like he lost a limb. he sighs and presses his lips together, considering what he wants to say next. ] I want anything I ask for to benefit you too. I know things are different now and they might not be the same again, but I hope they can still be something good.
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[ it's a tender question, sliding his thumb along jaejin's jawline before dropping his hand away. his fingers are still in his, and he doesn't let him go, only turning his head slightly to glance at the curtains of the balcony doors across the room before looking at him again. ]
Whatever you ask for shouldn't benefit me. They are your needs, not mine. I'm not going to be mad or upset with you because of that. [ vie isn't even sure jaejin would think that, but he has to say it. ] I want you to be honest. That's the only way things might ever return to being how they used to be between us.
[ because he misses that too—desperately. vie doesn't know how to articulate that well, only wishes to show it, and it's why he folds his other hand over jaejin's and gives it a reassuring squeeze. or hopes that it feels that way. they've never been so brutally open with one another before, and it's brought more discomfort and pain than it should. and besides, they can't operate the way they used to; too much has happened for it to ever be entirely the same, but vie hopes it will get better. he has to believe it will. ]
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Is it really so dependent on my honesty? [ quiet, but it's just the two of them and his voice doesn't need to be any louder. maybe he is responsible for it, this distance and the hurt between them. it's a lot of pressure. ] Do you think they will? Return to how they used to be between us, I mean.
[ he knows he's pessimistic at the best of times, puts too much faith in fragile things. perhaps that's why he always breaks bones in the fall. he swallows against the lump in his throat. ]
What if they don't, Vie?
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the sting is barely there as he slips his hands free to lean forward and cup jaejin's face. it gives him a brief moment to examine his cheeks, the faint color under his eyes and the depth of affection and doubt he sees when he gazes at him directly. there is so much more he could say, but he needs this more than he would like to admit, drawing in a careful breath before drawing jaejin forward so he can kiss him. it's not soft or deep, just a firm press of their mouths that seems to melt every hesitation he has into nothing. once he parts to breathe, he brushes their lips together again and lets their noses bump. ]
I love you. [ another kiss, and he gently combs his fingers up into jaejin's hair. ] I will do everything I possibly can to make sure we get there. That's my promise to you. [ one he isn't going to break. ] Will you help me? I think that's really all it's dependent upon now.
[ if they try together. ]