[ it would be nicer if he crawled under the blankets and cuddled with him, but vie knows better than to push these boundaries they've set in place. later, he might risk it and cross them, but for now, he's grateful that jaejin's accepting of anything, holding onto his hand as he moves closer to him. if this is all they're going to have for a while, he'll take it and crave more later. at the question, though, his expressions shifts into the slightest frown. ]
It's better. [ which isn't a lie. ] But I've been more worried about you since we got here. How are you? [ without missing a beat, his voice drops low. ] Really, I mean. I don't like that this had to happen.
[ he's not really awake enough for a conversation like this, but the longer he looks at jaejin, the more he realizes that they haven't had any opportunity to discuss anything. their plans, what they're going to do. one another. it's all something vie would like to plan for, to mend as best he can, and yet, he'd gotten too distracted with everything else to come back to them and figure it out. perhaps nothing he says will convince jaejin that he'd rather not be with anyone else, but he's determined enough to keep trying regardless of how many times he fails.
vie sighs under his breath. ] Maybe breakfast would be better before you answered that.
[ there are plenty of ways jaejin could answer that question, i'm fine among them. it isn't true in most senses, especially with the chasm between them, but part of him can't help but wonder if it was always meant to be there — almost, but never quite enough. things have been so complicated that sometimes even he has trouble pinpointing where any of it really started, something that he feels shows itself in the way vie presents him with an out. the sting of it doesn't really go unnoticed.
he lets out a sigh of his own and sits up again, untangling their hands so he can shift to reach for the cutting board with the breakfast he bought vie. when he brings it around to him, it's a careful move so he doesn't accidentally spill anything. ]
I wasn't sure how tender your throat still was, so I tried to pick things that are a bit softer and easy to chew. [ when he sets it down on the bed, he does it so it's between them and within easy reach for vie. ] I ran into a woman a couple of days ago who said the parfaits at this one place are good, but I hadn't made it in time before they were all sold out until this morning.
[ it's a simple fruit and yogurt cup, pretty and homemade. he'd spent a few moments waffling over whether or not to actually buy it because of the bits of granola through it. the rest of the breakfast is just a soft bit of brioche and a still warm cup of coffee how vie likes it, the lid still intact. ]
[ jaejin moves, and vie watches him even as he pushes himself up to sit, reaching out to help steady the board until it's sitting mostly flat on the bed. as he speaks, vie knows jaejin means well. he's always taken such good care of him as it is, but he's been extra attentive lately, eyeing the parfait and the bread before reaching out to take the coffee. it's warm, and he savors that, gaze focused on jaejin over the rim of the cup. ]
Do you want to try it first? We can share it if it's as good as she says. [ and it probably is considering how good the food always is. ] I'm glad you've been making friends, though. Does that mean you like it here?
[ it's not an important question, exactly, but it is something vie wants to know. perhaps for future reference or for another time that isn't filled with such cold memories of death and hiding to stay safe. and while he considers that, he drinks almost a third of the coffee before taking part of the bread. if he'd thought jaejin was in the mood, he might offer to feed him some of it; he can only hope that he likes the parfait enough to want to share it with him. ]
If you don't, it's alright. There are plenty of other places to visit.
[ watching vie drink the coffee prompts jaejin to smile, albeit just a bit and he almost shakes his head at his first question. he hadn't planned on taking part in breakfast, only thinking of vie when he was fumbling his way through ordering it. he doesn't want to make things more tense than they already seem to be though, so he takes the spoon and tries some of the yogurt and a blueberry from the top before setting the spoon back down on the cutting board. ]
I think you'll like it. She has good taste. [ but he has to think about the rest of it, though. he doesn't dislike it here. it's just been an experience trying to navigate a place where he doesn't know the language at all. with another sigh, he tugs a small piece of paper from his pocket, her handwriting clear on it, and sets it on the board. ] She was just someone who thought I looked lost, I think. It was early enough that she knew I might be looking for breakfast. She was nice. I might like it better here if I knew what I was doing.
[ not unkindly, of course. it's been a lot of that lately, not knowing what he's doing and trying to keep a grip on transient things. ]
[ still watching him, vie hides his slight frown by taking another deep drink of his coffee. he's more awake now than he had been minutes ago, which makes it easier to catch jaejin's cues. perhaps he shouldn't have asked him to share or brought up any of this, but he can't keep dancing around the obviously glaring hole that's growing between them. he wants it to be normal again, comfortable and relaxed. and even if it's unfair to think, he wants jaejin to stop looking at him like he's going to disappear one day. ]
We haven't had many opportunities to go out together, but we should. There are places I can show you, and I can teach you some things if you think it will make it easier. [ at least with navigating the area they're currently in. but vie stares at the paper and suddenly feels his appetite grow nonexistent. the pause is heavy before he speaks again. ] I'm sorry. We could have stayed in the country. I wasn't thinking.
[ but when has he ever really thought? the last several weeks have taught him that he's inconsiderate to those around him in the worst ways, and though he'd thought he'd been doing something good, he'd inadvertently created a different kind of problem. it makes him uncertain, as he has been since he'd made the choice to stay, and he doesn't like it. he doesn't like any of this. ]
[ even on the flight over, jaejin knew vie wouldn't be able to go out with him, not without time to properly recover. if he'd been quicker and smarter, vie might not have to recover at all, really. but he wasn't and he isn't, so days later vie is still nursing his throat. the thought makes him shake his head and drop his gaze away from him, trying to ignore the way the sting worsens. ]
You don't have to apologize for that. We needed to leave the country and it was short notice. [ at the very least, jaejin needed to leave the country. vie is clever and convincing enough that he could have played the part of the unwilling accomplice. ] It was my choice to do what I did, Vie.
[ he takes a breath, blinking away some of the pressure, and then exhales to balance himself out. ]
We can go out together once you're feeling much better. It won't help to put stress on your throat.
[ he thinks there's something that needs to be said about all of this, and vie should be gentle about it. he knows he should, but he doesn't think that such an approach is going to get them anywhere they need to be, which is why he leans to set his cup on the floor before moving the board with his partially eaten breakfast aside. he wants little space between them; at least, nothing that would distract them or break whatever nerve he has to do this before it dissipates again.
close to jaejin, he reaches out to touch his cheek. a gentle press of his fingers so he'll lift his eyes and look at him. ]
What we did, [ he corrects, searching his face for something. a clue, anything. ] You weren't the only person in that room, Jaejin. And you are not the only one here now. You can talk to me. [ it's desperate, he knows, but he doesn't know any other way to reach him. ] You can tell me if something's bothering you. It doesn't have to or need to be all about me.
[ which isn't necessarily a terrible thing if it's what jaejin needs to focus on, but it often makes it awkward for vie. ]
[ for not the first time, jaejin finds he doesn't really want to look at vie, though this time it's for reasons far different from the last and he still lets him direct his attention back to him. there's a lot he could say about their situation, but some of it comes from a place he doesn't want to think about. in the end, it's just validation for what he's told himself and what he continues to tell himself.
that isn't vie's problem. he's still here even if jaejin is waiting for something else to come along for him. ]
No, I wasn't the only person in the room. I finally managed to protect you and I couldn't even do that right. [ and now vie shouldn't have to worry if other people he cares about are safe. at the very least, maybe he did that for him. he doesn't like that he feels as if he's a child again just trying to prove he's valuable. ] So I think I need it to be all about you.
[ his expression smooths for a moment, as if he understands, and then, he can't help the way he frowns. ]
Why? [ it's an almost selfish question, balancing himself in a way he can reach out and take jaejin's hands in his. he presses them both against his chest. ] You did what you could, and I'm still here. We both are. [ but maybe it's not that simple. maybe that's not what he means. ] Perfect planning wouldn't have kept us entirely safe. What you did – I could have never done that. You saved me from my own mistakes, and I don't know how to tell you how much it means to me that you're still here.
[ there's a 'but' coming though. vie can feel it on the tip of his tongue, and since this is the first time that jaejin's made any indication of what he needs, then he shouldn't try to fight him on it. he wants to take care of him too, and if this is how he really begins to do that, he'll do whatever he can until he has a better grasp on their situation. ]
If that's what you need, then I want to give it to you. But you need to talk to me, too.
[ the question takes jaejin by surprise, honestly. as far as he can see, the proof is written everywhere – it's in the faded bruising on vie's throat, in the way he still needs to rest more than not. maybe perfect planning isn't possible, but he would have rather been able to do it without vie getting hurt in the process. he was supposed to protect him, not let him get hurt. but with his hands against vie's chest, he lets himself soak in his warmth.
and then the 'but' comes and he feels something heavy sink in him. he knows it isn't what he needs, but it's what he wants. there's a difference there and vie is trying. he can't know otherwise if he doesn't make the distinction. he isn't a mind reader. jaejin knows he can take it as a window to escape this conversation, but it will only push more distance between them. ]
Doesn't talking to you about it defeat the purpose? [ when it comes to making it all about vie, he means. it doesn't come out with the teasing quality he hopes, just quiet and tired. ] I don't know how to ask for the things I need, Vie. Ever since that night, I've been so focused on trying to make myself seem valuable. Not because I have to, but because I feel like I need to.
[ he's grateful that they're trying to be honest with one another, at least. as slow as it is, vie can piece together some things that become clearer the longer he thinks about it, and when he looks at jaejin, he thinks he really sees him for the first time. how had he missed this? how had he never realized that everything boiled down to something that seemed so simple? it makes his chest hurt, and he squeezes his fingers around jaejin's wrists, refusing to let go of him. ]
Talking is the only way I know how to understand what's going on. [ so of course it doesn't defeat the purpose. ] And with you – I want to take care of you. I want to help you the same way you've been trying to help me. I just don't know where to start. [ though jaejin's already offered some honesty, and vie's glad for it, loosening a hand to lightly caress the length of his forearm. ] Could you try? I mean, not right now. But while we're here, could you try asking? It doesn't matter what it is.
[ he could care less about the content of the request. as long as jaejin's willing to communicate with him, they could work through this. maybe they could even get back to the place they'd been before all of this. it's that hope he'll cling to, knowing he shouldn't press too much all at once or risk backtracking too far to recover. ]
[ it's a difficult thing, being so honest with vie for some reason. maybe jaejin keeps waiting for him to decide he's too much trouble, to leave for something that comes easier, more naturally like things used to. he knows vie wouldn't, though. in his heart, he knows vie loves him just as much as he loves him. it's just hard to parse through the rest of it and still hold onto that sometimes.
and vie's right, as always. he doesn't know what he'd ask him for, not with all of this distance between them. what he does know is he wants to push through that distance, to one day sleep with his arms around vie again. he misses feeling close to him, like they can do anything so long as they're together.
maybe the stretch of silence on his end is too long, but he drops one of his hands to catch vie's, threading their fingers once he does. he wants to try for him, even if it feels more like a leap of faith. ]
Could you help me wash my hair one of these nights?
[ it's as close as he can get to i need to feel close to you without outright saying it. ]
[ it's so small, and yet, the absurd amount of pressure that eases from vie's chest at that question makes it almost impossible to breathe for several seconds too long. this is it, he thinks. this is what he's wanted since the night he'd come back to him, squeezing jaejin's fingers tightly as if he fears he'll slip away if he eases up. how long has it been since he's even tried to ask him for something besides the one thing he'd failed to give him by choosing to stay? he can't remember, and he's determined to prove that the only choice worth making always involves jaejin and no one else. nothing else but him. ]
You know I will, [ he says, finally. the quiet is equally long before his response, but he's too distracted memorizing the angles and curves of jaejin's face. would that make him smile more? ] All you have to do is tell me when. Tonight, tomorrow – it doesn't matter.
[ and because he can't help it, he drags jaejin's hand to his mouth to lightly kiss at his knuckles. then, he presses a longer kiss to the top. it's not quite the same as the affection they've shared before, but vie needs this just as much as he needs jaejin telling him things he needs or wants. ]
Thank you. [ for trying, for allowing him this one step closer to forgiveness. ]
[ it feels like such a small thing to ask for, but somehow still verging too much. the silence worries him, his heart climbing into his throat and making its home there. it's been so long since they've been intimate like that, so maybe it's too much at once, but as jaejin primes some reassurance that they don't need to do anything else, that they could even just do it in the sink instead, vie finally speaks up and he lets out a breath.
he just hopes his anxiety over it isn't too obvious in his expression. it helps when vie presses his lips to his knuckles, quiets more than just a little of his worries over it. he can only hope this is a step in a good direction. hope that if they can be physically intimate, even only sweetly, that they can work on salvaging the rest of it. ]
Shouldn't I be thanking you? [ he can't help but give vie's hand a gentle squeeze. ] Even if it takes a few days, I just want it to be something we both want. I hope you know you don't owe me anything.
[ all he wants is to reassure him. there hasn't been much of that lately, aside from the card he'd given him on his birthday, and even that had felt lackluster in comparison to the things vie still feels. being here with jaejin should be a good thing; it shouldn't be weighed down by the past or the things they're currently running from. he especially doesn't want to continue pulling away from jaejin when this is clearly something they both need. so, still as gentle as before, vie turns their hands and kisses the tender inside of jaejin's wrist. ]
I don't want to be close to you because I think I owe you something. [ he believes he does regardless but not in that way. the smile he gives him is quiet. ] I miss you, Jaejin. Not so much physically, I suppose, though I do miss that too. But everything else. [ did that make sense to him? it probably doesn't, and vie sighs under his breath, moving even closer to him. ] I miss the little things. So giving you what you need is just as much about me as it is about you.
[ because he couldn't imagine his life without him now, and he wonders how he's survived this long without him. how he'd gotten this tangled up in his own plans to not realize that someone worth the sacrifices had been so close to him all this time without vie ever knowing it until they'd met. it's a heavy thought, but it doesn't translate into the way he looks at him, lifting his other hand to lightly touch his thumb to the jut of jaejin's chin like he's thinking about kissing him. ]
[ to jaejin, being here is a lot like being at back at his apartment with vie. there are differences, of course, but the feeling is similar. it's like they took everything with them and maybe part of him was still thinking something as raw and uncomfortable as murder would fix part of it. instead, even in the quiet of this morning and the warmth of vie, it almost feels like expecting that only tainted it.
somehow, vie still misses him and can even smile at him, however small it is. jaejin finds himself returning it, only stopping himself from looking away again because of the way vie touches his chin. ]
I miss you too. [ it isn't that difficult of a confession. he misses vie in nearly every sense, almost like he lost a limb. he sighs and presses his lips together, considering what he wants to say next. ] I want anything I ask for to benefit you too. I know things are different now and they might not be the same again, but I hope they can still be something good.
[ it's a tender question, sliding his thumb along jaejin's jawline before dropping his hand away. his fingers are still in his, and he doesn't let him go, only turning his head slightly to glance at the curtains of the balcony doors across the room before looking at him again. ]
Whatever you ask for shouldn't benefit me. They are your needs, not mine. I'm not going to be mad or upset with you because of that. [ vie isn't even sure jaejin would think that, but he has to say it. ] I want you to be honest. That's the only way things might ever return to being how they used to be between us.
[ because he misses that too—desperately. vie doesn't know how to articulate that well, only wishes to show it, and it's why he folds his other hand over jaejin's and gives it a reassuring squeeze. or hopes that it feels that way. they've never been so brutally open with one another before, and it's brought more discomfort and pain than it should. and besides, they can't operate the way they used to; too much has happened for it to ever be entirely the same, but vie hopes it will get better. he has to believe it will. ]
[ vie's hand slips away and jaejin feels disappointed at the loss of it, the loss of the possibilities it held, his eyes dropping to their hands instead. everything feels so jammed up, the pressure in his chest building to a steady ache, and he tries to focus on brushing the side of vie's hand with the pad of his thumb. it's one of the few times he thinks vie is wrong, really. he doesn't know that things will ever return to how they used to be. ]
Is it really so dependent on my honesty? [ quiet, but it's just the two of them and his voice doesn't need to be any louder. maybe he is responsible for it, this distance and the hurt between them. it's a lot of pressure. ] Do you think they will? Return to how they used to be between us, I mean.
[ he knows he's pessimistic at the best of times, puts too much faith in fragile things. perhaps that's why he always breaks bones in the fall. he swallows against the lump in his throat. ]
[ it's not the tone of jaejin's voice that gets to him but the question itself. if jaejin has no hope, how can he carry it all himself? could he? he doesn't know, but he's not the kind of person to give up until he's exhausted every option available to him. vie hasn't even started, not really. that jaejin has to ask such things makes him realize he hasn't been trying hard enough.
the sting is barely there as he slips his hands free to lean forward and cup jaejin's face. it gives him a brief moment to examine his cheeks, the faint color under his eyes and the depth of affection and doubt he sees when he gazes at him directly. there is so much more he could say, but he needs this more than he would like to admit, drawing in a careful breath before drawing jaejin forward so he can kiss him. it's not soft or deep, just a firm press of their mouths that seems to melt every hesitation he has into nothing. once he parts to breathe, he brushes their lips together again and lets their noses bump. ]
I love you. [ another kiss, and he gently combs his fingers up into jaejin's hair. ] I will do everything I possibly can to make sure we get there. That's my promise to you. [ one he isn't going to break. ] Will you help me? I think that's really all it's dependent upon now.
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It's better. [ which isn't a lie. ] But I've been more worried about you since we got here. How are you? [ without missing a beat, his voice drops low. ] Really, I mean. I don't like that this had to happen.
[ he's not really awake enough for a conversation like this, but the longer he looks at jaejin, the more he realizes that they haven't had any opportunity to discuss anything. their plans, what they're going to do. one another. it's all something vie would like to plan for, to mend as best he can, and yet, he'd gotten too distracted with everything else to come back to them and figure it out. perhaps nothing he says will convince jaejin that he'd rather not be with anyone else, but he's determined enough to keep trying regardless of how many times he fails.
vie sighs under his breath. ] Maybe breakfast would be better before you answered that.
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he lets out a sigh of his own and sits up again, untangling their hands so he can shift to reach for the cutting board with the breakfast he bought vie. when he brings it around to him, it's a careful move so he doesn't accidentally spill anything. ]
I wasn't sure how tender your throat still was, so I tried to pick things that are a bit softer and easy to chew. [ when he sets it down on the bed, he does it so it's between them and within easy reach for vie. ] I ran into a woman a couple of days ago who said the parfaits at this one place are good, but I hadn't made it in time before they were all sold out until this morning.
[ it's a simple fruit and yogurt cup, pretty and homemade. he'd spent a few moments waffling over whether or not to actually buy it because of the bits of granola through it. the rest of the breakfast is just a soft bit of brioche and a still warm cup of coffee how vie likes it, the lid still intact. ]
I hope she's right.
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Do you want to try it first? We can share it if it's as good as she says. [ and it probably is considering how good the food always is. ] I'm glad you've been making friends, though. Does that mean you like it here?
[ it's not an important question, exactly, but it is something vie wants to know. perhaps for future reference or for another time that isn't filled with such cold memories of death and hiding to stay safe. and while he considers that, he drinks almost a third of the coffee before taking part of the bread. if he'd thought jaejin was in the mood, he might offer to feed him some of it; he can only hope that he likes the parfait enough to want to share it with him. ]
If you don't, it's alright. There are plenty of other places to visit.
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I think you'll like it. She has good taste. [ but he has to think about the rest of it, though. he doesn't dislike it here. it's just been an experience trying to navigate a place where he doesn't know the language at all. with another sigh, he tugs a small piece of paper from his pocket, her handwriting clear on it, and sets it on the board. ] She was just someone who thought I looked lost, I think. It was early enough that she knew I might be looking for breakfast. She was nice. I might like it better here if I knew what I was doing.
[ not unkindly, of course. it's been a lot of that lately, not knowing what he's doing and trying to keep a grip on transient things. ]
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We haven't had many opportunities to go out together, but we should. There are places I can show you, and I can teach you some things if you think it will make it easier. [ at least with navigating the area they're currently in. but vie stares at the paper and suddenly feels his appetite grow nonexistent. the pause is heavy before he speaks again. ] I'm sorry. We could have stayed in the country. I wasn't thinking.
[ but when has he ever really thought? the last several weeks have taught him that he's inconsiderate to those around him in the worst ways, and though he'd thought he'd been doing something good, he'd inadvertently created a different kind of problem. it makes him uncertain, as he has been since he'd made the choice to stay, and he doesn't like it. he doesn't like any of this. ]
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You don't have to apologize for that. We needed to leave the country and it was short notice. [ at the very least, jaejin needed to leave the country. vie is clever and convincing enough that he could have played the part of the unwilling accomplice. ] It was my choice to do what I did, Vie.
[ he takes a breath, blinking away some of the pressure, and then exhales to balance himself out. ]
We can go out together once you're feeling much better. It won't help to put stress on your throat.
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close to jaejin, he reaches out to touch his cheek. a gentle press of his fingers so he'll lift his eyes and look at him. ]
What we did, [ he corrects, searching his face for something. a clue, anything. ] You weren't the only person in that room, Jaejin. And you are not the only one here now. You can talk to me. [ it's desperate, he knows, but he doesn't know any other way to reach him. ] You can tell me if something's bothering you. It doesn't have to or need to be all about me.
[ which isn't necessarily a terrible thing if it's what jaejin needs to focus on, but it often makes it awkward for vie. ]
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that isn't vie's problem. he's still here even if jaejin is waiting for something else to come along for him. ]
No, I wasn't the only person in the room. I finally managed to protect you and I couldn't even do that right. [ and now vie shouldn't have to worry if other people he cares about are safe. at the very least, maybe he did that for him. he doesn't like that he feels as if he's a child again just trying to prove he's valuable. ] So I think I need it to be all about you.
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Why? [ it's an almost selfish question, balancing himself in a way he can reach out and take jaejin's hands in his. he presses them both against his chest. ] You did what you could, and I'm still here. We both are. [ but maybe it's not that simple. maybe that's not what he means. ] Perfect planning wouldn't have kept us entirely safe. What you did – I could have never done that. You saved me from my own mistakes, and I don't know how to tell you how much it means to me that you're still here.
[ there's a 'but' coming though. vie can feel it on the tip of his tongue, and since this is the first time that jaejin's made any indication of what he needs, then he shouldn't try to fight him on it. he wants to take care of him too, and if this is how he really begins to do that, he'll do whatever he can until he has a better grasp on their situation. ]
If that's what you need, then I want to give it to you. But you need to talk to me, too.
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and then the 'but' comes and he feels something heavy sink in him. he knows it isn't what he needs, but it's what he wants. there's a difference there and vie is trying. he can't know otherwise if he doesn't make the distinction. he isn't a mind reader. jaejin knows he can take it as a window to escape this conversation, but it will only push more distance between them. ]
Doesn't talking to you about it defeat the purpose? [ when it comes to making it all about vie, he means. it doesn't come out with the teasing quality he hopes, just quiet and tired. ] I don't know how to ask for the things I need, Vie. Ever since that night, I've been so focused on trying to make myself seem valuable. Not because I have to, but because I feel like I need to.
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Talking is the only way I know how to understand what's going on. [ so of course it doesn't defeat the purpose. ] And with you – I want to take care of you. I want to help you the same way you've been trying to help me. I just don't know where to start. [ though jaejin's already offered some honesty, and vie's glad for it, loosening a hand to lightly caress the length of his forearm. ] Could you try? I mean, not right now. But while we're here, could you try asking? It doesn't matter what it is.
[ he could care less about the content of the request. as long as jaejin's willing to communicate with him, they could work through this. maybe they could even get back to the place they'd been before all of this. it's that hope he'll cling to, knowing he shouldn't press too much all at once or risk backtracking too far to recover. ]
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and vie's right, as always. he doesn't know what he'd ask him for, not with all of this distance between them. what he does know is he wants to push through that distance, to one day sleep with his arms around vie again. he misses feeling close to him, like they can do anything so long as they're together.
maybe the stretch of silence on his end is too long, but he drops one of his hands to catch vie's, threading their fingers once he does. he wants to try for him, even if it feels more like a leap of faith. ]
Could you help me wash my hair one of these nights?
[ it's as close as he can get to i need to feel close to you without outright saying it. ]
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You know I will, [ he says, finally. the quiet is equally long before his response, but he's too distracted memorizing the angles and curves of jaejin's face. would that make him smile more? ] All you have to do is tell me when. Tonight, tomorrow – it doesn't matter.
[ and because he can't help it, he drags jaejin's hand to his mouth to lightly kiss at his knuckles. then, he presses a longer kiss to the top. it's not quite the same as the affection they've shared before, but vie needs this just as much as he needs jaejin telling him things he needs or wants. ]
Thank you. [ for trying, for allowing him this one step closer to forgiveness. ]
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he just hopes his anxiety over it isn't too obvious in his expression. it helps when vie presses his lips to his knuckles, quiets more than just a little of his worries over it. he can only hope this is a step in a good direction. hope that if they can be physically intimate, even only sweetly, that they can work on salvaging the rest of it. ]
Shouldn't I be thanking you? [ he can't help but give vie's hand a gentle squeeze. ] Even if it takes a few days, I just want it to be something we both want. I hope you know you don't owe me anything.
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I don't want to be close to you because I think I owe you something. [ he believes he does regardless but not in that way. the smile he gives him is quiet. ] I miss you, Jaejin. Not so much physically, I suppose, though I do miss that too. But everything else. [ did that make sense to him? it probably doesn't, and vie sighs under his breath, moving even closer to him. ] I miss the little things. So giving you what you need is just as much about me as it is about you.
[ because he couldn't imagine his life without him now, and he wonders how he's survived this long without him. how he'd gotten this tangled up in his own plans to not realize that someone worth the sacrifices had been so close to him all this time without vie ever knowing it until they'd met. it's a heavy thought, but it doesn't translate into the way he looks at him, lifting his other hand to lightly touch his thumb to the jut of jaejin's chin like he's thinking about kissing him. ]
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somehow, vie still misses him and can even smile at him, however small it is. jaejin finds himself returning it, only stopping himself from looking away again because of the way vie touches his chin. ]
I miss you too. [ it isn't that difficult of a confession. he misses vie in nearly every sense, almost like he lost a limb. he sighs and presses his lips together, considering what he wants to say next. ] I want anything I ask for to benefit you too. I know things are different now and they might not be the same again, but I hope they can still be something good.
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[ it's a tender question, sliding his thumb along jaejin's jawline before dropping his hand away. his fingers are still in his, and he doesn't let him go, only turning his head slightly to glance at the curtains of the balcony doors across the room before looking at him again. ]
Whatever you ask for shouldn't benefit me. They are your needs, not mine. I'm not going to be mad or upset with you because of that. [ vie isn't even sure jaejin would think that, but he has to say it. ] I want you to be honest. That's the only way things might ever return to being how they used to be between us.
[ because he misses that too—desperately. vie doesn't know how to articulate that well, only wishes to show it, and it's why he folds his other hand over jaejin's and gives it a reassuring squeeze. or hopes that it feels that way. they've never been so brutally open with one another before, and it's brought more discomfort and pain than it should. and besides, they can't operate the way they used to; too much has happened for it to ever be entirely the same, but vie hopes it will get better. he has to believe it will. ]
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Is it really so dependent on my honesty? [ quiet, but it's just the two of them and his voice doesn't need to be any louder. maybe he is responsible for it, this distance and the hurt between them. it's a lot of pressure. ] Do you think they will? Return to how they used to be between us, I mean.
[ he knows he's pessimistic at the best of times, puts too much faith in fragile things. perhaps that's why he always breaks bones in the fall. he swallows against the lump in his throat. ]
What if they don't, Vie?
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the sting is barely there as he slips his hands free to lean forward and cup jaejin's face. it gives him a brief moment to examine his cheeks, the faint color under his eyes and the depth of affection and doubt he sees when he gazes at him directly. there is so much more he could say, but he needs this more than he would like to admit, drawing in a careful breath before drawing jaejin forward so he can kiss him. it's not soft or deep, just a firm press of their mouths that seems to melt every hesitation he has into nothing. once he parts to breathe, he brushes their lips together again and lets their noses bump. ]
I love you. [ another kiss, and he gently combs his fingers up into jaejin's hair. ] I will do everything I possibly can to make sure we get there. That's my promise to you. [ one he isn't going to break. ] Will you help me? I think that's really all it's dependent upon now.
[ if they try together. ]