[ it doesn't feel right. he should be the one begging, not jaejin. he doesn't want jaejin to look at him either, still finding it incredibly difficult to get a grasp on his feelings as such simple words make his eyes burn even more.
together should mean so much more than this. it should mean them leaving – maybe they still could, if vie is brave enough to think of it – and it should mean them never looking back at all of this. instead, they've been fumbling and grasping at each other for much too long. how much longer until one of them finally decides that it's enough? how much longer until one of them really does leave? vie can taste that fear even as he clings to jaejin's hand, squeezing at it like it's the only lifeline he has now. ]
I don't want to hurt you, [ he whispers, and it's worse somehow, saying it out loud. ] But I keep doing it. How could you want that after what I've done to you?
[ jaejin thought it would be better once he had vie's hand in his, but it isn't. that panic is still there in his throat, in his lungs. it feels like all it's doing is pushing all of the air from him, making it it hard for him to calm himself down. vie keeps trying to do things on his own and jaejin understands that more than he'd like to, but he thought it might be easier when he remembered him. easier to work together, anyway.
he rests his other hand over vie's, holds it in a grip tighter than he would usually. he knows what he looks like on his knees, hates that it's the second time he's been on them in the last day, but he knows more than anything that he'd even crawl on glass for vie. ]
You try your best. You don't ever mean to. You're my dream too. You're the only dream I've let myself have. [ that he can remember, that is. he's sure he had a real dream as a child, but everything is so muddle that he can't parse his own childhood from the others he's taken. ] Please let me help you.
[ the fear he'd felt in that room with chul threatens to swallow him once more, battered against the fear of having jaejin ripped from him without warning. it's too much, and vie senses the crack in his armor spread and shatter just like that, wrung out and overwhelmed.
he can't even find his voice to answer right away, shifting forward to hide his face against jaejin's shoulder as his breath hitches; then, he cries. his free hand tangles itself in jaejin's shirt, pulling and twisting until he's caught in it, and he doesn't care how awkward it might be or what kind of strain it puts on his already sore backside. he needs this. he's needed jaejin since he'd left him to face the consequences of someone else's actions, and he'd needed him before he'd walked through that door. but he can't be selfish enough to accept jaejin helping him if it means hurting him—or worse, killing him. he'd never survive it. he'd never forgive himself ]
I don't know why I said yes, [ he breathes, the words watery and muffled. ] I don't know how you can help me. I just – I'm so scared, Jaejin. I can't protect you anymore.
[ vie tips into him and jaejin releases his hand to wrap his arms around him, holding onto him tightly as if he might disappear at even a wrong breath. when vie starts to cry is when he knows his heart isn't done breaking tonight. he wishes he could hold him closer, but he's wished for a lot of things in only the past hour that it seems more like a moot point.
he can't even take him away from all of this without there being collateral damage and he could never do that to him. ]
You said yes because it was the right thing to do. You just want to protect him, Vie. [ even if it hurts. jaejin doesn't know what kind of deal vie made, but he knows what sunni told him. ] You don't have to protect me. Let me protect you. I don't know how yet, but I will. I'm going to keep you safe.
[ it should make him feel better with jaejin's arms wrapped around him, but all it does is drive the thought even deeper into him. he doesn't deserve this. he'd ruined whatever chance they had at a happy life, one without this kind of pain or these kinds of promises to one another. how could jaejin even want to stay after everything? it's a question on the tip of his tongue, as the tears slow, but he doesn't ask it. instead, he tries to breathe, his other hand clutching at him for support.
yves is going to laugh at him and kick him out onto the street for doing this. ]
I really don't know if I did anything except hurt you. [ it's what he believes, and even the quiet parts of him know it's true. ] You keep trusting me, and I break that trust every time I leave you. Protecting me will only make it worse.
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together should mean so much more than this. it should mean them leaving – maybe they still could, if vie is brave enough to think of it – and it should mean them never looking back at all of this. instead, they've been fumbling and grasping at each other for much too long. how much longer until one of them finally decides that it's enough? how much longer until one of them really does leave? vie can taste that fear even as he clings to jaejin's hand, squeezing at it like it's the only lifeline he has now. ]
I don't want to hurt you, [ he whispers, and it's worse somehow, saying it out loud. ] But I keep doing it. How could you want that after what I've done to you?
no subject
he rests his other hand over vie's, holds it in a grip tighter than he would usually. he knows what he looks like on his knees, hates that it's the second time he's been on them in the last day, but he knows more than anything that he'd even crawl on glass for vie. ]
You try your best. You don't ever mean to. You're my dream too. You're the only dream I've let myself have. [ that he can remember, that is. he's sure he had a real dream as a child, but everything is so muddle that he can't parse his own childhood from the others he's taken. ] Please let me help you.
no subject
he can't even find his voice to answer right away, shifting forward to hide his face against jaejin's shoulder as his breath hitches; then, he cries. his free hand tangles itself in jaejin's shirt, pulling and twisting until he's caught in it, and he doesn't care how awkward it might be or what kind of strain it puts on his already sore backside. he needs this. he's needed jaejin since he'd left him to face the consequences of someone else's actions, and he'd needed him before he'd walked through that door. but he can't be selfish enough to accept jaejin helping him if it means hurting him—or worse, killing him. he'd never survive it. he'd never forgive himself ]
I don't know why I said yes, [ he breathes, the words watery and muffled. ] I don't know how you can help me. I just – I'm so scared, Jaejin. I can't protect you anymore.
no subject
he can't even take him away from all of this without there being collateral damage and he could never do that to him. ]
You said yes because it was the right thing to do. You just want to protect him, Vie. [ even if it hurts. jaejin doesn't know what kind of deal vie made, but he knows what sunni told him. ] You don't have to protect me. Let me protect you. I don't know how yet, but I will. I'm going to keep you safe.
no subject
yves is going to laugh at him and kick him out onto the street for doing this. ]
I really don't know if I did anything except hurt you. [ it's what he believes, and even the quiet parts of him know it's true. ] You keep trusting me, and I break that trust every time I leave you. Protecting me will only make it worse.
[ no matter how much he wants it. ]