[ jaejin shakes his head in response almost immediately. he knows vie couldn't have anticipated any of this, knows he never wanted it. from what he's said and shown him, it's always been a means to an end. it's not what he means and certainly not what he wants to say, but he can't make any of vie's decisions for him, not now or in the future. everything in him aches to turn back to him and reach out for him, too conscious of the pain in his tone and knowing he's the cause of it. he still wants to take care of him, still wishes he could.
sunni was right, in the end. he was right about a lot of things. maybe this is just everything coming full circle. ]
I can't choose for you, Vie. If it had been me, we could have left. [ it's gentler this time, maybe because he knows they should be quieter because of the hour, or maybe because he can feel the fight bleeding out of him. he wouldn't have cared if they had to look over their shoulders for the rest of their lives, he doesn't think. at the end of the day, they would have been together. that should be what matters. ] We just need to do the best we can with this situation now. It was your dream, wasn't it? We can just go back to that plan.
[ if they do, vie will be free to make any decision he likes instead of the ones he feels he has to. he'll be free in every sense. jaejin doesn't know why he feels so hollowed out. ]
perhaps it's the softened lilt of jaejin's voice. maybe it's the words sitting between them and picking him apart little by little. vie can't place it, and he doesn't have the energy to, not when anger and disbelief are still far too tangible to him. he should say yes and agree with him, hope to salvage the parts of their relationship that are still intact. he should, but he can't because jaejin doesn't see things the way vie sees them. he really doesn't understand. ]
It's not my dream! [ and this time, he does snap at him. he can't breathe. ] No part of it was anything I wanted, Jaejin. None of it. I became complacent because I knew that as long as I was married, it might do something to soften the blow. You're the one I want you. I still want you. You're my dream. [ he can taste the tears now. he's so tired. ] But I can't let someone else die because of me, either.
I didn't want to live with that and be with you. It would have ruined whatever happiness we would have had, and you deserve more than that from me.
[ his guilt is an incredibly strong thing, perhaps stronger than even vie had known, and that, he thinks, is why he'd agreed to stay more than anything else. ]
[ vie snaps and jaejin finally looks at him and part of him wishes he hadn't.
if they'd left earlier without vie talking with sunni's father, he imagines someone would have still gotten hurt or worse. if he had an envelope full of yves, why wouldn't the amber house retaliate by killing him? if they had left and something had still happened to yves, vie would have never forgiven himself. And he knows vie is right, he knows he can't ask him to let someone die just so they can leave and have some kind of chance. it's selfish and it isn't him who deserves more than that, it's vie. ]
I know. I'm sorry.
[ he doesn't know what to say or where they should go from here. he doesn't even know what staying means for vie. sunni is gone and everything is a mess. he drops his gaze this time instead of turning away from him again, tries not to choke on the shame he feels for pushing vie this far and upsetting him this much. ]
Don't, [ he starts, and then stops, unable to push forward any further. vie only knows he doesn't want jaejin to apologize. ] I did this. I will try to fix it.
[ but even vie isn't sure how he'll manage to do that. he has no real allies outside the amber house, he has no friends. part of him wonders if he still has jaejin now, a direct trigger to the ache in his heart and the wetness rimming his eyes. jaejin's standing there like he's been scolded rather than hurt, and vie can't help feeling he's no better than his boss or any of the other people that had used him before. he had wanted him to feel safe and comfortable, but he's done nothing except hurt him.
vie takes the slightest step back and sits on the sofa again, torn on what to do. part of him wants to leave, but the selfish part of him wants to get on his knees in front of jaejin and beg him for forgiveness. he feels himself growing a little cold. ]
I'm sorry for making that choice, but you don't owe me anything.
[ it feels as if vie is shutting him out and the panic rises in his throat again, neatly blanketing the shame. he wonders if this is how he loses vie — to a fight he started himself over something vie had no choice in.
crossing the distance between them, jaejin wedges himself between the sofa and coffee table easily, pressing his knees into the thin carpet and reaching for one of vie's hands before he can overthink it. if he pulls away, jaejin doesn't think he could blame him. for now, he wants to try. looking up at vie, he takes a few beats to get a grasp on anything he wants to say, his throat tight. everything just hurts. ]
Please, Vie. [ and apparently, he isn't above begging, though it's the first time he's done it since he got down on his knees in an attempt to convince his boss not to touch his parents. ] Aren't we in this together?
[ it doesn't feel right. he should be the one begging, not jaejin. he doesn't want jaejin to look at him either, still finding it incredibly difficult to get a grasp on his feelings as such simple words make his eyes burn even more.
together should mean so much more than this. it should mean them leaving – maybe they still could, if vie is brave enough to think of it – and it should mean them never looking back at all of this. instead, they've been fumbling and grasping at each other for much too long. how much longer until one of them finally decides that it's enough? how much longer until one of them really does leave? vie can taste that fear even as he clings to jaejin's hand, squeezing at it like it's the only lifeline he has now. ]
I don't want to hurt you, [ he whispers, and it's worse somehow, saying it out loud. ] But I keep doing it. How could you want that after what I've done to you?
[ jaejin thought it would be better once he had vie's hand in his, but it isn't. that panic is still there in his throat, in his lungs. it feels like all it's doing is pushing all of the air from him, making it it hard for him to calm himself down. vie keeps trying to do things on his own and jaejin understands that more than he'd like to, but he thought it might be easier when he remembered him. easier to work together, anyway.
he rests his other hand over vie's, holds it in a grip tighter than he would usually. he knows what he looks like on his knees, hates that it's the second time he's been on them in the last day, but he knows more than anything that he'd even crawl on glass for vie. ]
You try your best. You don't ever mean to. You're my dream too. You're the only dream I've let myself have. [ that he can remember, that is. he's sure he had a real dream as a child, but everything is so muddle that he can't parse his own childhood from the others he's taken. ] Please let me help you.
[ the fear he'd felt in that room with chul threatens to swallow him once more, battered against the fear of having jaejin ripped from him without warning. it's too much, and vie senses the crack in his armor spread and shatter just like that, wrung out and overwhelmed.
he can't even find his voice to answer right away, shifting forward to hide his face against jaejin's shoulder as his breath hitches; then, he cries. his free hand tangles itself in jaejin's shirt, pulling and twisting until he's caught in it, and he doesn't care how awkward it might be or what kind of strain it puts on his already sore backside. he needs this. he's needed jaejin since he'd left him to face the consequences of someone else's actions, and he'd needed him before he'd walked through that door. but he can't be selfish enough to accept jaejin helping him if it means hurting him—or worse, killing him. he'd never survive it. he'd never forgive himself ]
I don't know why I said yes, [ he breathes, the words watery and muffled. ] I don't know how you can help me. I just – I'm so scared, Jaejin. I can't protect you anymore.
[ vie tips into him and jaejin releases his hand to wrap his arms around him, holding onto him tightly as if he might disappear at even a wrong breath. when vie starts to cry is when he knows his heart isn't done breaking tonight. he wishes he could hold him closer, but he's wished for a lot of things in only the past hour that it seems more like a moot point.
he can't even take him away from all of this without there being collateral damage and he could never do that to him. ]
You said yes because it was the right thing to do. You just want to protect him, Vie. [ even if it hurts. jaejin doesn't know what kind of deal vie made, but he knows what sunni told him. ] You don't have to protect me. Let me protect you. I don't know how yet, but I will. I'm going to keep you safe.
[ it should make him feel better with jaejin's arms wrapped around him, but all it does is drive the thought even deeper into him. he doesn't deserve this. he'd ruined whatever chance they had at a happy life, one without this kind of pain or these kinds of promises to one another. how could jaejin even want to stay after everything? it's a question on the tip of his tongue, as the tears slow, but he doesn't ask it. instead, he tries to breathe, his other hand clutching at him for support.
yves is going to laugh at him and kick him out onto the street for doing this. ]
I really don't know if I did anything except hurt you. [ it's what he believes, and even the quiet parts of him know it's true. ] You keep trusting me, and I break that trust every time I leave you. Protecting me will only make it worse.
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sunni was right, in the end. he was right about a lot of things. maybe this is just everything coming full circle. ]
I can't choose for you, Vie. If it had been me, we could have left. [ it's gentler this time, maybe because he knows they should be quieter because of the hour, or maybe because he can feel the fight bleeding out of him. he wouldn't have cared if they had to look over their shoulders for the rest of their lives, he doesn't think. at the end of the day, they would have been together. that should be what matters. ] We just need to do the best we can with this situation now. It was your dream, wasn't it? We can just go back to that plan.
[ if they do, vie will be free to make any decision he likes instead of the ones he feels he has to. he'll be free in every sense. jaejin doesn't know why he feels so hollowed out. ]
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perhaps it's the softened lilt of jaejin's voice. maybe it's the words sitting between them and picking him apart little by little. vie can't place it, and he doesn't have the energy to, not when anger and disbelief are still far too tangible to him. he should say yes and agree with him, hope to salvage the parts of their relationship that are still intact. he should, but he can't because jaejin doesn't see things the way vie sees them. he really doesn't understand. ]
It's not my dream! [ and this time, he does snap at him. he can't breathe. ] No part of it was anything I wanted, Jaejin. None of it. I became complacent because I knew that as long as I was married, it might do something to soften the blow. You're the one I want you. I still want you. You're my dream. [ he can taste the tears now. he's so tired. ] But I can't let someone else die because of me, either.
I didn't want to live with that and be with you. It would have ruined whatever happiness we would have had, and you deserve more than that from me.
[ his guilt is an incredibly strong thing, perhaps stronger than even vie had known, and that, he thinks, is why he'd agreed to stay more than anything else. ]
no subject
if they'd left earlier without vie talking with sunni's father, he imagines someone would have still gotten hurt or worse. if he had an envelope full of yves, why wouldn't the amber house retaliate by killing him? if they had left and something had still happened to yves, vie would have never forgiven himself. And he knows vie is right, he knows he can't ask him to let someone die just so they can leave and have some kind of chance. it's selfish and it isn't him who deserves more than that, it's vie. ]
I know. I'm sorry.
[ he doesn't know what to say or where they should go from here. he doesn't even know what staying means for vie. sunni is gone and everything is a mess. he drops his gaze this time instead of turning away from him again, tries not to choke on the shame he feels for pushing vie this far and upsetting him this much. ]
I don't know what to do.
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[ but even vie isn't sure how he'll manage to do that. he has no real allies outside the amber house, he has no friends. part of him wonders if he still has jaejin now, a direct trigger to the ache in his heart and the wetness rimming his eyes. jaejin's standing there like he's been scolded rather than hurt, and vie can't help feeling he's no better than his boss or any of the other people that had used him before. he had wanted him to feel safe and comfortable, but he's done nothing except hurt him.
vie takes the slightest step back and sits on the sofa again, torn on what to do. part of him wants to leave, but the selfish part of him wants to get on his knees in front of jaejin and beg him for forgiveness. he feels himself growing a little cold. ]
I'm sorry for making that choice, but you don't owe me anything.
no subject
crossing the distance between them, jaejin wedges himself between the sofa and coffee table easily, pressing his knees into the thin carpet and reaching for one of vie's hands before he can overthink it. if he pulls away, jaejin doesn't think he could blame him. for now, he wants to try. looking up at vie, he takes a few beats to get a grasp on anything he wants to say, his throat tight. everything just hurts. ]
Please, Vie. [ and apparently, he isn't above begging, though it's the first time he's done it since he got down on his knees in an attempt to convince his boss not to touch his parents. ] Aren't we in this together?
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together should mean so much more than this. it should mean them leaving – maybe they still could, if vie is brave enough to think of it – and it should mean them never looking back at all of this. instead, they've been fumbling and grasping at each other for much too long. how much longer until one of them finally decides that it's enough? how much longer until one of them really does leave? vie can taste that fear even as he clings to jaejin's hand, squeezing at it like it's the only lifeline he has now. ]
I don't want to hurt you, [ he whispers, and it's worse somehow, saying it out loud. ] But I keep doing it. How could you want that after what I've done to you?
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he rests his other hand over vie's, holds it in a grip tighter than he would usually. he knows what he looks like on his knees, hates that it's the second time he's been on them in the last day, but he knows more than anything that he'd even crawl on glass for vie. ]
You try your best. You don't ever mean to. You're my dream too. You're the only dream I've let myself have. [ that he can remember, that is. he's sure he had a real dream as a child, but everything is so muddle that he can't parse his own childhood from the others he's taken. ] Please let me help you.
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he can't even find his voice to answer right away, shifting forward to hide his face against jaejin's shoulder as his breath hitches; then, he cries. his free hand tangles itself in jaejin's shirt, pulling and twisting until he's caught in it, and he doesn't care how awkward it might be or what kind of strain it puts on his already sore backside. he needs this. he's needed jaejin since he'd left him to face the consequences of someone else's actions, and he'd needed him before he'd walked through that door. but he can't be selfish enough to accept jaejin helping him if it means hurting him—or worse, killing him. he'd never survive it. he'd never forgive himself ]
I don't know why I said yes, [ he breathes, the words watery and muffled. ] I don't know how you can help me. I just – I'm so scared, Jaejin. I can't protect you anymore.
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he can't even take him away from all of this without there being collateral damage and he could never do that to him. ]
You said yes because it was the right thing to do. You just want to protect him, Vie. [ even if it hurts. jaejin doesn't know what kind of deal vie made, but he knows what sunni told him. ] You don't have to protect me. Let me protect you. I don't know how yet, but I will. I'm going to keep you safe.
no subject
yves is going to laugh at him and kick him out onto the street for doing this. ]
I really don't know if I did anything except hurt you. [ it's what he believes, and even the quiet parts of him know it's true. ] You keep trusting me, and I break that trust every time I leave you. Protecting me will only make it worse.
[ no matter how much he wants it. ]